WORLD OF YETI

2004-02-27T14:11:00.000Z

Transcript of message from Simon...

Still stuck in 1979 - but intending to try and get, either home or back to the correct year sometime this weekend.

Nearly met myself on the set of Empire Strikes Back earlier...

Could have been very nasty.

Off to have tea with ABBA - more soon...

xxx

2004-02-04T13:07:00.000Z

Transcript of message from Simon...

Having trouble getting home...

It's very dark here in 1979...

Oh... Just a mo - found the light switch!

Much better...

xxx

2004-02-03T12:56:00.000Z

NO SIGN OF SIMON...

I'm worried now...

GULP!!!

Shy xx

2004-02-02T12:35:00.000Z

Hi Shy here...

Simon is due back later today but he did send a inter-time/space fax whilst he's been away. He has found - although may not be able to bring back this journey the following items:

Dr Who - Moonbase episode 1.

"It has cybermen in it so I'm considering just using it as a book end... Is this one still missing?"

Hancock's 24 Hours...

Pilot show which was written by Hancock himself after he parted company with Galton and Simpson - was to have been screened on Xmas Day 1961 - but every body choose to visit the Blood Bank that day and even Tony Hancock found it boring. Apparently he suggested filming a sequel several years later which involved him slagging off his own performance on "24 hours..." - but at half speed - it would have been called Hancock's 48 Hours...

A pilot episode of the Wombles where the Wombles look like yeti - it's makes me all "tingly" seeing them like that.

A pilot episode for The Avengers with Frankie Howard as John Steed.

FAX ENDS...

Hopefully he'll have found something else and brought it back - but we don't know as yet... Apparently he ended up in Munich in 1979 and it wasn't exactly quite as far back as he'd hoped...

More tomorrow.

Shy xxx

2004-01-30T13:04:00.000Z

Hello...

Shy here... I have a statement to post here, which is from Simon and reads as follows...

"...As of lunchtime today, Friday 30th January 2004... I endeavour to make my first journey in my new time machine. I am aiming for somewhere around 1972 - or failing that 1974 as according to my records these are the last years that copies of Web Of Fear or Abominable Snowman are known to have existed... Hopefully I will return and report back to you early next week... I will be travelling alone as Ruth Madoc is busy rehearsing for a play and isn't feeling up to the journey... Best wishes, Simon xx"

GULP!!!!

I'm sure we all wish Simon the best of luck...

As I write, he has just left the building and is heading for his garden shed - he has entered the shed and closed the door...

... a minute passes...

The shed appears to be shaking - there is smoke pouring from inside...

OH GOODNESS!!!!

The shed has vanished!!!

Shy xx

TO BE CONTINUED...

2004-01-27T13:36:00.000Z

Goodness!

Greetings all...

I've had a rather odd weekend - infact in many ways it was my first experience of time travel. Into the future...
I had some scrumpy on friday evening and the next thing I remember it's sunday morning and I'm upside down with my fur shaved to a grade 3 (ooo chilly - hope it grows back quick!) and all covered in honey. That's what you get from a night out with Atomic Kitten...

Darn them and their wicked ways...

As for furthering my travels into the past - I had a long meeting with Bernard and Ruth, Val, Pam and Russ the other afternoon and I'm planning on making a trial trip out later this week...

Lots to do for now though - nuts to turn and bolts to screw...

More tomorrow one hopes...

Best wishes to you,

Simon xxx

2004-01-23T14:10:00.000Z

Hello bears and girls...

How are things? HAPPY NEW YEAR...

Greetings to you, from me - Simon...

I've been very busy, as you may have heard from Shy... The return of the missing Dalek episode has spurred me on - and having spoken to my good friends Pam Ayres and Val Doonigan last night and *also* to the grumpy one off On The Buses I feel I am making the right decision. But it was Ruth Madoc who really made me think...

"Go on love..." she said, "If you want something badly enough then you've just got to go and do it..."

"Even if it might be dangerous or foolish..."

"Especially then, darlin'..."

"Well - I suppose so, Ruth..." I nodded as she served me up a lovely pancake and handed me some joyous runny treacle to go on top.

"What is it you most want in ALL the world?"

"The return of the missing 108 episodes of Dr Who - or failing that - the missing 10 that I'm in..."

"Well go find them..."

"...But they're missing..."

"Well go looking..."

"But it's not that easy..."

Ruth smiled at me cannily," Come on Simon - I spoke to Russ Abbott the other day and I know what you're planning... Those tapes may be missing NOW - but they weren't back in the past..."

I blushed, "Well - of course... They weren't..."

"SO BUILD A TIME MACHINE BOYO! LIKE I HAVE TO ADVISE YOU ON THAT!"

"I don't know what you mean, Ruth..."

"Shy tells me you've been busy down the garden shed all week - come on - spill the beans..."

"Okay..." I said... "I HAVE been building a Time machine - but it's not finished yet..."

Ruth just smiled, "Well - you just get it finished then fella - and when it's ready then you tell me - cos I'm sure there's a least one missing episode of my pre-HI DE HI career that I wouldn't mind saving..."

"Okay Ruth..." I said, "I'll let you know..."

So - there you have it - that's what I've been up to...

Listen - I have to go - I've got Bernard Cribbins coming around in a bit to recommend what paint to use on the outside my new toy and then Rula Lenska and Floella Benjamin want me to go to bingo later - so I'm dead busy...

But I'll post again soon...

Now you just keep it under your hats now won't you - about this time travel malarky... Cos I'm not sure it's legal and some one else might get the same idea as me and then try and cause trouble. Anyway...

HUGS AND LOVE

SIMON YETI xxxx

2004-01-22T11:56:00.000Z

HAPPY NEW YEAR ALL!! :-)

Shy here...

Simon's been very busy since getting back to a more normal pace of life... He's been going to auditions and everything and has been keeping his furry ear to the ground re: the casting of the new Doctor for the revigorated 2005 return of Dr Who. Although, he fears he has missed out on the title role... ("How can you expect to get anywhere if you're up against stars like Theakston and Brian Cant and that bloke who played Geoffrey off Rainbow!!" ) he is still hoping that he will be cast as a yeti - or maybe even as a yeti companion...

Other than that Simon has won himself a part in a touring production of HAIR which is due to be performed in the Spring and has done voiceovers for a couple of shampoo adverts.

"Tell them, that I am also writing my memoirs..." he told me, only this very morning.

Having not totally got to the nub of what went on in Vegas I am hoping at some point he'll write a full account of the adventure - but I feel it is now best left in the past...

Oh yes - and I expect a lot of heard about the return of one of the missing 1960s episodes of Who just last week. Episode 2 of Dalek Masterplan from 1965... Click on the link below for further detail...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/doctorwho/news/cult/news/drwho/2004/01/15/8897.shtml

Alas, Simon was exactly over the moon - having hoped that should anything return, then at least it would be something from either The Abominable Snowmen or Web of Fear.

"Bloody typical..." he moaned to me, "As if the Dalek's didn't have enough of their stories still in existance..."

Which is a tad unfair as at least 2 and three quarters of their 6 60s appearances are no longer in existance either... Still I suppose I can see what he's getting at...

"It's a scam - somebody's trying to have a laugh..." he muttered as he headed off to tea with Val Doonigan and Pam Ayres.

Since then I'm afraid he been rather busy in his tool shed... Apparently he has come up with some plan or other to sort out getting hold of all those missing episodes... Bless!

Well - hopefully I'll get him infront of a keyboard in the next couple of days and he can tell you about it himself...

All the best and may 2004 bring you much furriness!

Love Shy xxx

2003-12-25T11:55:00.000Z

SHY: Simon - have you finished in there yet?

SIMON: ZZZZZZZZZZZ...

SHY: I'll take that as a no then...

SIMON: ZZZZZZZZZZZ....

SHY: I have some Christmas dinner here and it won't push under the door... I'm going to have to eat it myself...

SIMON: WHAT? WHERE? WHEN...

*SMASH! CRASH! BANG*

The toilet door is smashed aside...

SHY: Ooooo - butch...

SIMON: I'm here now - where's me dinner...

SHY: You're gonna have to pay for that damage...

SIMON: Shut it Shy or I'm going to have to eat you...

SHY: Follow me - dinner is served...

SIMON: HAPPY CHRISTMAS READERS...

SHY: You're not supposed to do that - who do you think you are - William Hartnell...

SIMON: Oooo show us yer baubles...

THERE WILL BE MORE FROM SIMON AND SHY IN THE NEW YEAR...

2003-12-16T13:26:00.000Z

SHY: Did it confuse you that there was somebody sitting opposite you saying he was Simon... Was your Sherbert Fur personality still dominant?

SIMON: Not really - I knew something was up... I was beginning to lose grip of all reality...

SHY: You spoke to me for a few minutes though - as if nothing was wrong - as if had never heard that Simon had been reported dead...

SIMON: I may have thought you were a ghost...

SHY: It left you nowhere to go didn't it? Because if you were beginning to realise that you weren't Sherbert - there was I - made up to look like Simon and yet you were Simon - which meant - well...

SIMON: It meant I became even more confused...

SHY: You set fire to the table cloth...

SIMON: I set fire to Las Vegas, baby...

SHY: (laughs) Errrr - yeah - you did rather...

SIMON: Celene Dion was not happy...

SHY: Errr no... But that's a GOOD thing...

SIMON: Shy...

SHY: Yeah?

SIMON: How much longer until they come and get me out of this lavatory?

SHY: Soon Simon... Soon...

2003-12-12T10:26:00.000Z

*SIMON YETI HAS BEEN TRAPPED IN THE GENTS BY A YOUNG FURBALL DOING A VERY POOR IMPERSONATION OF THE LOCH NESS MONSTER... WE WILL HOPEFULLY RESUME OUR INTERVIEW WITH HIM EARLY NEXT WEEK... (SIMON, THAT IS, NOT THE FURBALL...) *

2003-12-10T10:23:00.000Z

SHY: So Simon... You remember being in San Francisco...

SIMON: Hmm... Moot point... I remember Fur being in San Fran - it's like having someone else's memories... That was him there and not me...

SHY: Fair enough... And do you remember meeting me there?

SIMON: Not meeting you - but meeting someone who claimed to be be Fur's friend... Somehow, I don't know why - but I wasn't able to recognise you because I wasn't Simon, your friend...

SHY: ...And in Vegas... You were going more and more off the rails... You'd already been arrested in San Fran - but then after I tried to hypnotise you...

SIMON: I'm not sure that was your best move... I think it sent me screwy...

SHY: Ahhh... Well I was at a loss WHAT to do...

SIMON: Don't worry Shy... It had to happen - and then you came to Vegas too...

SHY: Yes...

SIMON: ...And you dressed up just like Simon Yeti and you went and visited me and you introduced yourself and said you were me - err - Simon...

SHY: I did...

SIMON: ...And you said that you hadn't died...

SHY: ...And how did that feel...

SIMON: Oh well - that was when I began to go REALLY screwy...

SHY: Yes...

SIMON: Can we talk about this some more later - I really need a wee...

SHY: Okay...

2003-12-09T15:41:00.000Z

SHY: Good morning Simon...

SIMON: Good morning...

SHY: What do you want to talk about...

SIMON: I want to talk about Las Vegas and what happened there...

SHY: Here in your cell?

SIMON: If I am free to go and all charges have been dropped then maybe we could go somewhere more comfortable...

SHY: Fine... Fine... That can be arranged... You are allowed to leave - the Doctor's have spoken to the authorities and... errr... well - someone rather important spoke up for you...

SIMON: Really... Not Lizzy?

SHY: Yes...

SIMON: Awwww... Darling Liz... She and Margo and I used to frollick in the Windsor fields during the Summer holidays... She is a brick... Shall we go?

SHY: Okay Simon...

SIMON: I could murder a hot chocolate...

2003-12-08T12:50:00.000Z

SHY: Simon... How have you been...

SIMON: Good Shy...

SHY: Do you want to speak today?

SIMON: Maybe later, Shy...

SHY: Will you be staying in your cell? You know you can go free if you want to...

SIMON: I will stay here... I have been very upset...

SHY: Well you just take your time, Simon...

SIMON: I will, Shy... I will... I'll talk to you later... Come back in the morning....

SHY: Okay Simon... See you then...

2003-12-05T11:15:00.000Z

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR! GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! AHEM!!

*cough*

*cough*

LALALALALALALALALALA!

*ahem*

2003-12-04T10:05:00.000Z

SIMON PUSHES A NOTE OUT UNDER THE DOOR OF HIS CELL...

IT READS: I SHALL ALLOW MYSELF TO BE INTERVIEWED AGAIN EARLY NEXT WEEK...

I INTEND TO SPEAK ABOUT LAS VEGAS...

PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE TIL THEN...

SIMON x

2003-12-03T10:41:00.000Z

SIMON YETI STILL REFUSES TO COME OUT OF HIS CELL AND IS CURRENTLY PLAITING HIS FUR INTO PIG TAILS...

2003-12-02T13:05:00.000Z

*ikkle sobz*

2003-12-01T10:45:00.000Z

SIMON YETI IS INCOMMUNICARDO AND REFUSES TO COME OUT OF HIS CELL - HAVING RECEIVED VERY UPSETTING NEWS IN A LETTER FROM IAN THE POSTMAN.

CURRENTLY HE WILL ONLY CRY AND MAKE RUMBLING NOISES LIKE A ROLLERCOASTER...

2003-11-28T14:07:00.000Z

TRANSCRIPT OF PHONECALL WITH SIMON YETI FROM SLADE PRISON

Shy: How are you feeling Simon?

Simon: Officially I am very depressed and keen to get out of here. Unofficially I am quite enjoying some of the shower room perks and also the fact that there is a great vat of moonshine being brewed in one of the boiler rooms.

Shy: Isn't that a bit Prisoner Cell Block H?

Simon: Oooo - absolutely but then I'm a great fan of Prisoner... Infact I was up for the role of "The Freak" before they decided they wanted a woman - and not a furry yeti in the role...

Shy: Their loss...

Simon: Well - not really Maggie Kirkpatrick did such a great job and I got the role of an underworld boss who was eventually smothered by Bea Smith's breasts - toasted in the Press - half drowned in one of the washers - before being left to rot in the ventilation shafts... Did my own stunts too you know...

Shy: Well done... Listen Simon, we know you can't talk about what happened when you were in Vegas but do you feel positive that the authorities will side in your favour due to the accident.

Simon: Oh - I dunno... I'm sure they'll do whatever is most dramatic... Hey - I've got to go - there's a Kangeroo Court happening in 10 minutes and I don't wanna miss it... Call you in a day or so...

Shy: But aren't they bailing you tomorrow...

Simon: Oh no love - I've asked them to defer - I'm having too much fun here... (sounds of pips going to sign money running out) Byeeeee...

CLUNK.

END OF CONVERSATION.

2003-11-27T17:21:00.000Z

SIMON NEWS IN BRIEF

* SIMON IS DUE OUT ON BAIL AFTER THE WEEKEND *

WE HOPE TO PRESENT THE PHONE TRANSCRIPT OF AN INTERVIEW GIVEN BY HIM THIS EVENING ON THIS SITE, HERE TOMORROW...

Shy has posted a new post on his site: www.wideeyedbearcub.blogspot.com

Today: Straight Bears.

Enid.

More Tomorrow.

2003-11-26T13:59:00.000Z

NEWS IN BRIEF

Simon is still under arrest - we are hoping he will get bail before friday. His doctor is being consulted as part of his appeal.

The expected newspaper exclusives appear to have been held back til Sunday - as the papers aren't sure whether to condemn or be sympathetic.

On a more positive note - Shy Yeti has started a new website...

It is called BEAR NECESSITIES AND OTHER CUBS and is a sort of cross between Sex and the City and Tales From The City - for the furry generation... It can be found at:

www.wideeyedbearcub.blogspot.com

We wish Shy well. He will be back later in the week and we are hoping to speak with Simon about his days behind bars this week. For legal reasons we are still unable to reveal details of the last few days in Vegas.

Enid.

More as we hear it...

2003-11-25T12:00:00.000Z

ALAS WE HAVE NO NEWS...

The only letter received appears to be from Ian the Postman and that was sent prior to Simon's arrest...

Dear Simon,

Ian the postman/trainee bearkeeper here, just emailing to say welcome back furry guy!!! We were all quite worried about you when you disappeared after that awful fire, but thanks to Mr Shy's sterling efforts you made it back safe and sound, albeit with sore paws - ouch!

I have a few slots left in my diary for next week if you want to book yourself in for some fur-rejuvenation furrepy. Im sure Mr Shy will give you my phone number. But be quick, my services are becoming more popular since word got about. I had Honey Monster in a few days ago, boy did HE need a de-tangle!! His fur was all matted with bits of sugar puff - bless. Next week I have Bungle AND the Slow Norris in on the same day! Them two are an item now, don't you know. What a lovely couple they make too!

Anyway, Good to have you back, and I look forward to reading more of your adventures online soon!

All the best,

Ian the Postman

We thank Ian for his mail - but for the rest of this week at least there will be no further posts...

Please send in your letters if you care... Simon needs your support...

Expect the press to get hold of the whole story as of tomorrow...

Simon has a plan - a mission for the future - but alas his illness after the fire is threatening that future...

He needs his friends around him now...

Shy xx

2003-11-24T12:56:00.000Z

PLEASE NOTE : THERE WILL BE NO POSTING FROM SIMON TODAY...

Whilst Shy was visiting Ian the Furologist on sunday the Police came to call on Simon. They wished to discuss the similarity between Simon and Sir Sherbert Fur. Seeing as he was unwell at the time of his American adventures Simon chose to admit that he was Sir Sherbert and has surrendered to their questioning and has been arrested. Alas we cannot now bring you the final installments of the Las Vegas trip at this time as the Police have asked us not to discuss Simon's case in any detail on this site.

There will hopefully be more posting later in the week.

We apologise for the inconvinience.

The Site Moderators...

PS Thank you for your kind emails - we will hopefully post up some of these during this week.

2003-11-21T15:17:00.000Z

2ND POST FRIDAY SPECIAL...

We have received a letter here at the WORLD OF YETI Offices...

As follows:

>>Please let us know if you enjoyed yesterday's novelisation extract. If so we will endeavour to print more.

Dear Enid,

Yes, I thoroughly enjoyed reading wednesdays Dr Who Extract. I would be very grateful if you could post some more to the site. I see that the BBCi website has also jumped on the bandwagon and are also running a Dr Who dramatisation. I've not seen it, but I'm sure its far inferior to Simon's!

Keep up the good work,

Ian the Postman

Thank you, Ian for your kind words... Actually the BBCi effort is most enjoyable once you've downloaded it - do please check it out... As requested though I present another extract from this lost classic...

Simon xx

DR WHO AND THE LOVELY FURRY YETIS (YAY!)

A Second Extract...

Story So Far...

Whilst held hostage by the Yetis Romana was forced into making special sherbert dibdabs in Supreme Yeti's lab. This she succeeded in doing - but with the result that anyone who eats the stuff grows to an enormous size!!

"Ahhh..." beamed the Doctor, "I've never seen one that big... A mighty fine specimen..."

"Thank you Doctor..." boomed the Yeti Supreme...

"What happened here then? Jelly baby... No? Too small for you are they - size isn't everything you know - they still taste as nice..."

"Err yes, Doctor..."

The Yeti Supreme swaggered drunkenly above him - looking a trifle ill...

"Ahhh - now listen Yeti - you must warn me if you're going to be sick - I don't want to get myself washed away by the stuff..."

"I'll be okay, Doctor..."

"Dodgy kebab was it?"

"Sherbert dip..." the Yeti managed - the very mention of it made him queasy. "...Made by that infernal companion of yours... She poisoned us - look at me - my fur's dropping out everywhere..."

It was too.

"Ahhhh...." agreed the Doctor, "But just wait til all the lady Yetis hear about you - or the other men yetis depending on which way you swing - I mean I can see which way you swing but..."

Extract ends due to shocking nature of following paragraphs.

Errr. More next week!

2003-11-21T11:48:00.000Z

* BREAKING WITH THE PLANNED POSTING WE BRING YOU A MONUMENTAL RETURN...

BE UPRISING FOR - THE ONE - THE ONLY...

SIMON YETI!!!!!!!!!

*cue rounds of applause*

Helllllooooo...

Yes it's me...

Sorry to spoil plans me dears - but I'm home! Shy insisted I said a wee word and I promise - oh I promise to tell you my side of the last 3 days of Vegas on Monday...

It'll be a shorter post today - but I thought I should say hello!

Bless him... Shy has been a gem - he's saved me from all sorts of trouble after that - errr - awful Sherbert Fur fella kidnapped me... (Or whatever Shy says I'm supposed to be maintaining...)

Golly! I have such *sore* paws!!!

This is (of course) due to all the running around in the dark I did on the Isle of Wight inside a suitcase... Ouch... Most painful...

Well I'm back anyway...

No - err - harm done...

So - what are my plans for the future???

Well... Next week - as I've said, I propose I finish the Vegas tale... I have auditions to go to and plans to mount and enormous search for those missing episode of mine... (Big Secret... Came to me whilst stuck in that suitcase...)

Listen friends - I am terribly tired... Which reminds me of the time I spent the evening with Babs Windsor and a mono-browed hunk called Lance... Enough said...

Shy has dashed off a poem...

ON THE RETURN OF SIMON...

Simon - Simon...
We're glad you're back...
Now returned...
Let nothing lack...
Simon - Simon...
A bit like a bear...
But slightly taller -
With wilder hair!
Simon - Simon...
Adventures done...
Thank goodness...
Not shot by a gun...
Simon - Simon...
Take it slow...
We love you loads love...
Doncha know...

Good innit? Actually I wrote it on the train in... tee hee! What does it come to when you have to write your own welcome back poem! :-) I'm sure Shy would have written one - but he's taking a rest and I've sent him to Ian the Postman for some fur-apy! :-) (Ian - the lovely fella - has written in with a request and hopefully we can give him his wish next week... His letter and my response to it will be posted sometime early next week, once things are back to normal!) ;-)

I shall be off now to hurry off and join them... To finish I present (in further self-congratulatory mode) and article published in the Evening Medium about my reappearance since the whole Fee fire debacle.

I wish you well and see you next week.

It's good to be back!!!

Simon xxxx

FUR GOODNESS SAKES...

SIMON'S BACK!!!!

It was with much relief that the showbiz world welcomed Simon Yeti back to these shores after he turned up in his ancestral home of the Isle of Wight yesterday. There were fears that he had perished in the tragic warehouse fire whilst helping a friend escape from a sinister scientist, some weeks back. Although there was some speculation initially that he had returned - the Yeti concerned actually turned out to be eccentric recluse Sir Sherbert Fur (who has since created scandals of his own over in the States and staged another disappearance...) Simon's manager, Shy, followed up leads and brought home his boss last night. "We're all glad to have him back... We have already received 6 offers to make a film of Simon's adventures - but for now he'll just be taking it easy..." was his comment - to which Simon added, "I'm glad to be here... It's been a rather busy fortnight or so..." There is no exact detail as to what Simon got up to during his absense - though Doctors have confirmed that he undoubtedly suffered from a severe case of amnesia due to the traumas of the fire.

Simon has been signed up to front the Isle of Wights 2004/2005 tourist brochure - as well as posing for a charity calendar for Fur Relief.

SIMON YETI IS MANAGED BY SHY YETI MANAGEMENT, COPYRIGHT BEECHES 2003.

2003-11-20T13:08:00.000Z

WORLD OF YETI - USA...

WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THAT SHY YETI HAS CAUGHT UP WITH SIMON IN HIS SUITCASE AND HOPES TO BRING HIM HOME BY THE WEEKEND...

BEFORE WE CONTINUE WITH OUR U.S. TALES - WE HAVE RECEIVED A LETTER FROM ONE OF OUR MOST LOYAL READERS...

Hello there Mr Shy,

Ian the postie here, just mailing to say how much I'm still appreciating all your good work in the quest for Mr yeti's welfare. You've certainly been on a rollercoaster journey these past few weeks, what with San Francisco, Las Vegas and now the Isle of Wight! Its gripping stuff, better than Corrie!! I just hope you catch up with the furry guy soon. All that time in a suitcase will have done his coat no good at all. I've got a course of cod-liver oil and Aloe Vera ready and waiting for him when he returns.

That goes for you as well Mr Shy, if after all that globetrotting your fur is looking a bit dank, don't despair, I'm a dab hand at fur-rejuvination techniques. Let me know and I'll book you in for a session of furr-epy. It's the least I could do!

Thanks again Mr, keep up the good work!

Your faithful daily reader,

Ian the postman (Bearkeeper and fur rejuvenator to the stars)

Thank you Ian, for your kind offer. I will pass on your letter to both Shy and Simon on their return.

Enid the Underwater Sparrow xx (Deputy, Deputy Moderator)

Please let us know if you enjoyed yesterday's novelisation extract. If so we will endeavour to print more.

For now we return to the States...

TALES OF THE YETI

PART THREE...

TUES 11TH - WED 12TH NOVEMBER 2003

Tuesday 11th November...

Sherbert writes...

Today I met my saviour... Or at least I thought I did... But it was all a trick!!! Some fella in a Yeti Suit showed up at Alcatraz - JUST as I was about to make my escape - and he pays the bail and gets me free. (I was actually rather enjoying the whole adventure)

Well - it's all very nice and all - but he tells me that his name is Shyler and that he's my P.A. Well - I know I've been a bit muddled what with being in stir for - ooo - ten hours - but I don't recall ever having a P.A. Still - I'm out of jail and this guy takes me to this bar near Union Square (Lefty O'Doulls on Geary Street if I remember correctly) and we get chatting and we have a few drinks and then we get in a taxi to the Red Room on Sutter Street - and then after downing cocktails and nibbles for several hours we end up getting another cab and head for the Castro district where we have another couple in the Movida Lounge on Fillimore Street, Lower Haight. All the while we're talking I'm getting very, very drunk cos he's paying and I don't realise to start with that he's only on the mineral water... I think he's drinking neat vodka or gin! Anyway... I notice that he keeps staring at me - wiggling his eyes in a really odd manner... He's trying to hypnotise me... He thinks he's succeeded but he hasn't - I'm just half comotosed from the booze, "You're not really Sherbert Fur..." he says, "You're Simon Yeti... Don't you remember... Regress back..."

Well I totally freak! I wait until the karaoke starts and then I make a dash for it into the crowds and I keep running and he keeps following and after about half an hour of running around the Japanese Tea Gardens in the Golden Gate Park I finally lose him around Buena Vista...

I'm not sure who he was... But he wasn't no P.A...

He must be one of "them"... Someone who found out what I was planning at the Gallery and who was ordered to bump me off or something...

Well he didn't...

It's time to move on now...

I just hope I didn't give myself away last night...

Sherbert xxx

Shy Yeti writes...

Oh dear... What a fool I am... I thought I was making headway. He seemed quite jolly at first and I thought I'd got him to remember - but alas - no - I spoilt it... He gave me the slip and I fear he may have left the city... When he was very drunk and very confused he started muttering about singing in Vegas - because there was a karaoke in the bar we were in... Mentioned something about a friend who was a singer there... I've checked his hotel and his gone - so I'm taking a chance and heading for Vegas next... Let's hope I can pick up the trail again...

Shy xxx

Wednesday 12th November...

Sherbert writes...

I have arrived...

I am trying to piece together what on earth that fellow was up to the other night...

What he was trying to get me to remember...

He thought I was Simon...

Perhaps he is one of your sites - old fans...

Some kind of stalker...

How odd is that...

I AM Sherbert Fur...

I have a plan...

Dammit - I've been drinking again.

I must sleep...

Sherbert xx

Shy writes...

Just arrived in Vegas...

This could be a totally false step...

I'm sure he's here though...

Once I've slept I'll track him down...

Hypnosis didn't work...

Maybe impersonation will.

Shy xxx

Tomorrow on Tales Of The Yeti... The Last Three Days...

2003-11-19T14:55:00.000Z

*** THE SECOND OF TWO POSTINGS TODAY ***

WORLD OF YETI - USA...

Further scribblings from last weeks San Francisco trip...

TALES OF THE YETI

PART TWO...

SUNDAY 9TH - MONDAY 10TH NOVEMBER 2003

Sunday 9th November...

Sherbert writes...

My friends...

I have entered the Gallery Of Modern Art and am in disguise - as a Roman Centurian Yeti... I plan to poison the drinks of those who have come to the opening of the new Warhol Exhbition. I'm am unsure whether I have brought the correct pills though... It's either arsenic or laxatives - I may have confused the two...

Wish me well... I must put away my lap top - people are wondering why one of the exhibits is trying to find a plug adaptor for a PC.

Sherbert xxx

Shy Yeti writes...

Having read Simon's posting on arrival here I made post-haste for the Gallery this morning. I managed to slip past the guards into the exhibition - only to witness "Sherbert" being apprehended by security guards whilst shouting out, "They should perish for their crimes..." Presumably he is confusing what the Beeb did with his 60s tv work with something that these art experts did to some film or other he made with Warhol - or something... Who knows - he's a complete fruit loop at the moment!!!!

Anyway - the poor yeti was dressed like a centurian and before I could step in they'd whisked him away - to Alcatraz!!!! Now I thought they'd closed Alcatraz back in the 60s - so I really don't know what's going on...

It's all too mighty confusing...

Oh - and none of the people at the exhibition opening died - he'd muddled up the pills thank goodness!

I think I'd better plan out my next move - at least we know he's safe though - for now...

Let's hope he doesn't try and escape from Alcatraz!!!

Shy xxx

Monday 10th November...

Sherbert writes...

Tiz cold in here and I only have a small notebook which to scribe within. I am like a modern day Pepys or Anne Frank or Jeffrey Archer or something...

They have locked me away in Alcatraz - and - no doubt, thrown away the key!

Me! Me! Sir Sherbert Fur! The rudeness of it all...

I was only endeavouring to seek justice for what was done to my work - and in turn for what was done to our good friend Simon's fine artistry.

These people! These devils! These uninspired fools! Once I am out of here they shall see...

Oh yes...

I have begun to dig my way out of here using only the hardened corpse of a dead mouse...

It will not take me forever...

Sherbert xxx

PS Was looking forward to the showers until I remembered I was the only one imprisoned here. They make the tourists stare at me... It's quite unpleasant...

Shy writes...

It's my birthday today - and what am I doing? What am I up to? Posing as Sir Sherbert's P.A. to break into his room in the Beresford... Attempting to sell myself on street corners to pay the bail (well - not quite literally - but it's been close...) I have been studying books on hypnosis too - cos once I have him out of jail that may well be my best bet... To make him realise who exactly he is... You don't even know what I've had to do to get favours from hotel staff and Policemen today - but lets just say I think I'll be calling up Mr Ian the Bear Keeper for some fur re-enhancement therapy - or whatever he's good at...

I've been posting bits and pieces on the net to keep everyone up to date and I was hoping to write REALLY details descriptions of all I've been going through - but this will just have to do - filling in the gaps from my other posts.

Anyway... Tomorrow I plan to travel to Alcatraz to secure Simon's release...

...And then I plan on getting him drunk...

...And then...

Shy Yeti magic.

We'll see!!!!!

Shy xxx

Tomorrow on Tales Of The Yeti... Tuesday And Beyond...

2003-11-19T12:37:00.000Z

*** PLEASE NOTE: SHY IS STILL CURRENTLY CHASING A SUITCASE AROUND SUNNY RYDE - WE HOPE TO POST MORE OF THE SAN FRANCISCO DIARIES LATER TODAY OR TOMORROW...

UNTIL THEN - AN EXTRACT FROM AN UNPUBLISHED DR WHO NOVEL WRITTEN BY SIMON HIMSELF IN SUMMER 1979...

DR WHO AND THE FURRY LOVELY YETIS (YAY!)

The story so far...

The Dr (as portrayed by Tom Baker) has just arrived with Romana and K9 in sunny Black Gang Chime where mysterious salesmen have been spotted attempting to sell fake fur coats to posh business folk. The coats seem to totally wrap around those who have bought them and the furry business men have begun stealing sweets from school children - threatening to cause a national disaster and maybe even world war or nuclear destruction of the earth... Romana and K9 have been kidnapped and the Doctor is attempting to ensure their return...

The Doctor strode defiantly into the transport cafe - offering his jelly babies to all that would scoff them. One of the truckers had fallen asleep so the Dr picked up his tea - sipped it tentatively and carried on across the room to where the furry salesman sat counting his money.

"Ahhhhh...." said the Dr, "...Mind if I join you?"

"Not at all..." murmured the furry salesman mysteriously. "But do be careful - you're dipping your scarf in my hot chocolate..."

"Ahhh - am I? I do so hate it when that happens... You know the TARDIS used to have a launderette - but I think I might have jettisoned it after Mike Yates tried to turn it into a... oh anyway... long story... I don't think we've met..." beamed the time traveller, "I'm the Doctor... I've just arrived here you know... And you're... well - to the casual observer you look rather like a yeti... Am I right? I do believe you're holding one of my friends hostage... Short girl - awfully pretty and with a brain - well - a brain almost as intelligent as mine... Her name's Romana... Any chance of getting her back?"

The furry salesman grinned underneath all that fur, "You DO speak in terribly long sentences don't you, Doctor..."

"I have been known to..."

"That was quite a short one..."

"Would you like me to lengthen it?"

"No thankyou Doctor - it was perfectly adequate thankyou..."

"You're turn for a long sentence me thinks... Sorry - do you have a name?"

"Just Yeti..." said the furry salesman, "You were right about that one..."

The Doctor beamed, "Oh - I AM glad... Not working for the Great Intelligence any more?"

"No... We split... Turns out it wasn't as intelligent as it thought... It's this new Conservative government... Thatcher banned milk in Primary Schools and also disembodied alien entities... Effected the Nestines too - most unfortunate..."

"Most... So... Yeti..." the Doctor frowned," Isn't that a tad confusing - with there being more than one of you around - are you all called - just Yeti..."

"I am Yeti Supreme..."

"Ahhh... Sounds like a pizza... What about the others?"

"They are Yeti's number 1 to 5 - and then the big butch one is Yeti Queen... Though he's really known as Geoff..."

"Ahhhh.... Very good... But these coats of yours? They're causing problems my dear... I presume you're aware of that..."

Yeti Supreme purred to himself for a moment... "Ooooh yes Doctor... I am aware of that..."

"So what can I do to persuade you to stop... Jelly baby perhaps?"

"No thank you... Trouble is Doctor - you can't persuade me... I was rather hoping I could persuade you..."

"Ahhhh... Really... Well - go on... Impress me - I'm terribly easy to impress?"

Yeti Supreme looked a little moody but went on, "If you promise to leave us alone and go away in your TARDIS then I shall return your tin dog and your Lady Romana... How does that sound?"

The Doctor thought for a moment, "It sounds good..." he admitted, "I mean f**k the good people of the Isle Of Wight - but I really don't want you hurting my friends - so I think I might well have to go along with you there..."

"I'm glad you see it my way..."

"Ahhh... I'm glad I see it your way too... Can I trust you?"

"You can try, Doctor..."

"Okay - I'll do that... By the way - if I was to double cross you - how exactly would you view that - I mean - ultimately??"

Yeti Supreme chuckled - rose from his chair and gave an almighty GRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! scattering the chairs and tables and smashing the tea cups upon the floor.

"Does that answer your question, Dr?"

The Doctor looked sadly at his fallen tea cub - smashed to smithereens on the floor, "You trod on my jelly babies Yeti..." he sighed, "But yes... I understand you..."

"Good..." smiled Yeti, "Here's my card... Run along now won't you Dr - Romana will be returned to you soon..."

"Thankyou Yeti - most kind of you Yeti..." the Doctor turned and began backing away...

"Doctor..."

"Yes Yeti..."

"Behave yourself won't you..." the Doctor nodded, "Here's 50p - go buy yourself some more jellies... Catch..."

The Doctor caught the coin as it spun through the air - grinning madly as he caught it, "Ahhhh... Yeti... Thank you... I can get a really big bag for 50p..."

And with that he was gone...

Yeti Supreme smiled to himself, "You don't fool me Doctor..." he murmured, "I fear you will have to be destroyed..."

End of Extract.

MORE EXTRACTS SOON (PERHAPS) - MORE FROM SAN FRANCISCO SOONER>>>

2003-11-18T11:40:00.000Z

* THERE WILL BE NO POSTING TODAY - NOT THAT ANYONE IS PROBABLY STILL READING EXCEPT FOR NICE MR IAN THE POSTMAN *

A case full of luggage sporting suspiciously furry legs was spotted running down Paris High Street, Paris nr UK last night and was almost apprehended at the local Le Bus Station. Unfortunately the suitcase hid itself amongst others on the bus bound for The Isle Of Wight, which has since sunk on attempting to cross the Channel. Shy Yeti has gone to investigate and is hoping to bring a sopping wet Simon back to London shores in the next couple of days.

There *should* be further postings re: what happened in San Francisco tomorrow - but all the notes for typing up have been left with Doris the short sighted, dumpy, spinster, stereo-typed psycho-killer and she's just had to nip out to get her glasses fixed with cellotape. Having killed 17 Super villains in her tea break.

Or something.

God knows.

There's no post today, alright! :-) Well - there is - but it's just this one...

Back tomorrow love! ;-)

Doris's Understudy - Phillip The 31st. x

PS Hello Ian! :-) You nice faithful reader you... Is anyone else still out there? Sheeeesh!

2003-11-17T13:21:00.000Z

Hi ya!

There has been no sign of the case containing Simon and my underwear, as yet... Golly... What a panic! Once we get him back - and we WILL! I must approach the Press and announce Simon's return... Without giving away any hint where he showed up and certainly not giving away the fact that Simon and Sherbert are one and the same. As you may have gathered from my State-side posts - Sherbert got himself into quite a good deal of trouble with the Vegas Police, late last week.

Anyway...

I have pulled together my own journal scribblings from last week - and also bits and pieces that Simon posted - but which I held back to save any more confusion...

I'll be posting bits throughout this week - as well as any further news on Simon - I do hope we hear something soon and can get back to normal!!!

TALES OF THE YETI

PART ONE...

8/11/2003

Saturday 8th November...

Shy Yeti writes...

I have spent most of the day on the plane, having left the UK several hours ago... The films on the plane are all loud and distracting - action movies of little interest to me. The music they are playing is unengaging and my iPod is out of reach. I need something to distract me and finally I seem to have found it - an HBO movie called My House In Umbria, which funnily enough I know Simon auditioned for but never got. It now stars Maggie Smith, Timothy Spall and Ronnie Barker. (He was either up for the Timothy Spall role as the handyman - although I think he could have played the lead with some good makeup and sympathetic lighting) Maggie Smith played the part of a lady who owns a large house near Siena and - well the story is quite mysterious - but the locations keep the whole thing moving. Gorgeous!!! It's a shame Simon never got to work on that - he'd have loved to have caught up with Ronnie B (they did a couple of Two Ronnies Christmas Specials in the early 80s)

I must say, until I saw the finished product, I'd quite forgotten about the film completely. Simon flew out to Siena back in May 2002 for some read throughs - but when it all fell through he ended up working on an Italian soap opera for a couple of weeks. IL YETI PARMASAN gets massive ratings (well - at least 7 people on one farm near Rome are DEFINITELY known to watch it) I know he enjoyed the work and he certainly had the look they were after. His pronounciation was atrocious and he never made total sense of what on earth he was saying but... well... nobody complained. Simon played a kidnapper who stole away an heiress, (one of the main characters of the show - a bearded lady known only as Sally) but was finally hunted down and shot by a couple of semi-sighted Uni-cyclists.

But anyhow - why am I waffling on about Italy when it's the U.S. I'm heading for...

Oh - and I'm not sure if I explained before... We've set up the site so that you the readers can read whatever "Sherbert" or I post up - however he is only able to access or view the posts that he himself has written. Therefore he won't be aware that I am coming after him...

I was seriously concerned by the tone of his last mail... All Simon's repressed anger about what happened to his work in the 60s seems to have come out in his revived Sherbert Fur persona. I am going to have to be very careful on approaching him - incase he doesn't recognise me or worse still, recognises me but thinks I'm one of the enemy!!!

I know that he will be there in San Francisco - and that he is booked into one of the grander hotels there... I just hope that I can trace him down from any posting he makes once he arrives...

Should I get to meet him I will introduce myself and see how he reacts...

I shall sign off now - these notes may well have to wait until I return home - but I intend to post something in brief over the next few days...

Shy xx

Sherbert writes...

My Dearest Fans!

I have just checked into the Beresford... It is quite-quite splendid here! ;-) I haven't been in this part of San Fran since the late 60s - but it's still as groovy as ever. I intend to head to the Castro District this evening... I have plans to make and a few contacts to get in touch with... There is a big exhibition being set up at the Gallery Of Modern Art and I believe there is are a number of people I would like to get even with showing up for the opening ceremony... Must keep busy - much to be done and I have a rendevous at the Lone Star Bar in just over 20 minutes time. Flick Knife Carl the Bear Cub owes me a favour... It is time to call it in...

I shall be in touch again soon...

Sherbert xxx

Tomorrow on Tales Of The Yeti... Sunday And Beyond...

Sxx

PS... A letter received for Simon's attention which I thought you might find of interest...

Dear Simon,

Thank you for showing interest in our all-nude production of Othello in Stratford next season. Whilst we feel you have many assets that would be very beneficial to the piece we feel that you are - let us say - slightly too furry to appear with the other actors. You have a slightly unfair advantage in that clothed or not people wouldn't notice and the other performers might feel you had an unfair advantage. I know you'd be willing to trim down for us - but we don't think that's really fair on you - nobody really likes to see a shaven Yeti around the place do they? It's quite undignified. Maybe you would like to audition for our Morse Code Performance of Much Ado About Nothing in the Spring.

Yours as ever,

Kenny B xxx

PS I can't believe you got the Corrie job - I am SO jealous... They still won't give me a part and look at you - this'll be twice now won't it!?!

(>>>MORE ON THE CORRIE JOB LATER THIS WEEK>>>)

2003-11-16T20:34:00.000Z

Errr... Umm...

HIYA!

Well I'm home...

And - well - for a minute or two back in Vegas I didn't think we'd get Simon out of there...

But we did...

Slight problem though...

We've lost him...

When I changed planes at Chicago - well - they put him on the wrong plane...

He'll be waking up soon... Oh goodness...

What a pretty pickle... I'll sort it... Somehow... Don't fret now... It'll all work out... :-(

Shy xxx

2003-11-15T01:30:00.000Z

Las Vegas Police Report overheard...

ZCCCKK... No sign of the offender, Sherbert Fur in any of the hotels in Vegas... He may have taken a car and the Nevada authorities are looking into this... All available Police to Las Vegas airport... Let's make sure the bastard doesn't get away - if he does they're gonna come down heavy on us and there's just one person we have to answer to and you all know who that is... Let's not let it happen... None of us wants to have to put up with a dressing down by Celene Dion - let alone having to hear her sing... ZCCCKK...

2003-11-15T01:26:00.000Z

SOUNDS FROM THE CASE CONTAINING SIMON YETI AS IT HEADS OFF TO LAS VEGAS AIRPORT...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

*mumble mumble*

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

*potato chips*

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

2003-11-15T01:24:00.000Z

Readers...

He lies sleeping before me...

Silent at the moment...

I have built him a nest of slightly soiled socks and shirts - but it's the best I can manage... It could have been worse - it could have been pants...

I am draping a towel over his fur - tucking him in as I close down the suitcase over his head... There is not a lot of room...

But he is sleeping...

For now...

Time to come home...

Shy xxx

2003-11-14T18:35:00.000Z

They are all out looking for Sherbert Fur...

But they will not find him...

He has gone...

Whilst I...

I cannot move...

I have seen a ghost...

A GHOST! A GHOST!

But it cannot be...

He was there before me...

But it cannot be...

I have seen a ghost - but it cannot be...

I cannot seem to leave here - I cannot move a muscle...

I close my eyes now.

It is time to sleep.

How can I have seen the ghost of Simon Yeti when...

I - AM - HE...

2003-11-14T18:32:00.000Z

Hi,

I have done all I can...

Hopefully I have done all I can to stop him causing any more unneccessary disorder around here...

I am hoping my plans have worked - but we will see...

I have left him in the All You Can Eat Buffet and he's not able to get away...

I've gone to fetch a big net...

I'm bringing Simon home - in my cases...

I just hope he nobody notices...

Shy xxx

2003-11-13T23:31:00.000Z

Hi Readers!

I arrived yesterday and checked in to the Excalibur... It's really nice - but luxury is the least of my concerns and certainly not why I'm here...

It's taken me a while but I know where Simon is checked in... I was looking for all the bigger hotels like Caesars Palace and Paris-Las Vegas - but no - he'd chosen a really small one. The Imperial, quite the opposite end of the Strip from where I'm based...

Anyway... I am ready to don my disguise - I am ready to go and meet him... I left a message in reception and sure enough he has swallowed the bait...

I'm not sure whether I'm going to be able to write again before I return... I should be back by sunday if all goes to plan... But only *if* it does...

If this little idea doesn't work then I might just have to resort to desparate measures...

Fingers crossed it doesn't come to that...

Shy xxx

2003-11-13T23:26:00.000Z

Hello people...

How are we all?

I've been busy...

Oh yes... They'll soon learn...

If all goes to plan they'll get the message sometime between friday and saturday midday.

It's all a matter of timing...

Anyway - gotta go now - I need to hook up with an old friend...

Sherby xx

2003-11-12T17:33:00.000Z

Readers...

I'm leaving San Francisco and heading for Vegas because that's the only clue I have to where he might be...

I have been thinking and...

I HAVE A NEW PLAN! ;-)

Once I get there - if I can find him... Welll - I have a little surprise in store...

And a disguise...

I won't say any more for the moment...

Cyas...

Shy xxx

PS Don't worry if you haven't been following all this... I have written longer diary entries for posting once I get home... It'll all make sense then! ;-) xxx

2003-11-12T17:32:00.000Z

Darlings!

I have arrived in Vegas... I got rid of that silly fellow who claimed to be my P.A.! I don't *have* a P.A.... Still - he did buy me free drinks! ;-) Anyway - I've slipped away from him... There is a bit of a do going on around here and - well - I'm prepared, let's just say... Prepared for a spot of revenge...

Kisses to you all!

Sherbert xxx

2003-11-11T15:07:00.000Z

Readers...

Things got a bit out of hand last night at the bar... I thought I had made a break through... After 17 pints and 2 packets of pork scratchings (American style) Simon was beginning to muddle his speech AND it seemed - his memories... But then I got too confident and tried to persuade him to return to England and - well - that was much too soon...

One thing led to another and he slipped away...

I'm not sure where he's off to but he did mention something about Vegas during his drunken spree... I think he has "business" there... I dread to think what that is... He appears to have checked out of the Beresford...

It's tuesday morning here - breakfast time - I'm trying to prepare a plan - of sorts...

What next?

I am *rather* back to Square One...

Shy xxx

2003-11-11T07:41:00.000Z

Howdo!

Well just as I was beginning to enjoy Alcatraz who should come along but... errrr... I'm not certain but he was kinda cute and paid for me to get out jail (if not free)... Oh hell... Now he wants to take me drinking... Who am I to refuse...

He says he knows me...

Maybe it'll all come back to me?????

Sherby xxxx

2003-11-11T07:39:00.000Z

Hi Readers,

I have bailed him of gaol - it cost me all my sweetie money and I've only got enough to take him out and get him very drunk and then maybe I'll be able to hypnotise him...

...Or myself...

Dammit! Gotta be careful with the technology!

Wish me luck...

Shy xxx

2003-11-10T16:06:00.000Z

FIFTH AND FINAL POST...

Sherbert here...

What the HELL is going on...

I am incarcerated... Locked away dammit! They have reopened Alcatraz for me... What the hell do they think they're playing at... Don't they know who I am?

Things didn't go quite as planned at the Gallery earlier... Although I did drop pills into a couple of fiendish people's pills - although sadly they were only laxatives - still it's better than nothing!!!

I SHALL GET ME REVENGE! I SHALL! I SHALL! I SHALL!

I will also find my way out of here - one way or another...

Until then - at least it will give me another good story for the autobiography...

More... Soon...

Sherbert xxxx

2003-11-10T16:02:00.000Z

FOURTH POST TODAY...

Shy here...

I have found Simon's room... Or at least the room where he has booked in under his Sherbert Fur persona... I am staying at the Commodore whilst he is just down the road at the Beresford... I blagged my way up into his room claiming to be his P.A. He has been arrested - early today - well - yesterday now - it's only early Monday morning here... Yesterday he was arrested - so I should be safe...

I've been trying to think of a way to make him realise he's not who he thinks he is...

I've been flicking through the Yelow Pages...

Hyponotism might well be the answer...

Gotta go...

Shy xxxx

2003-11-10T15:58:00.000Z

THIRD POST TODAY...

NEWS IN BRIEF...

THAT'S NO WAY TO BEAR-HAVE - BUT THEN AGAIN HE'S A YETI...

Notorious eccentric, Sir Sherbert Fur who was the wow of the Warhol set back in the late 60s and early 70s caused a rumpus yesterday in San Francisco when he turned himself into a living art exhibit in protest for... well - nobody is quite sure... Sir Sherbert who is working on his autobiography spent most of sunday growling at visitors to the city's famous modern art gallery and was eventually arrested...

Article cuts out...

2003-11-10T02:26:00.000Z

SECOND OF SEVERAL POSTS TODAY...

DELAYED AND INTERCEPTED...

Dear Readers,

You should be assured that I have matters in hand...

I have a plan which will take me to the San Francisco Gallery Of Modern Art...

A plan that will assist my revenge and in turn also Simon's...

These people are scum darlings... They will not be missed...

Tell you more tomorrow... Just you wait! :-)

Sherbert xxxxx

2003-11-10T02:22:00.000Z

BRIEFLY...

HI! SHY HERE... HAVE ARRIVED IN SAN FRANCISCO... THINK I HAVE TRACKED DOWN SIMON IN HIS SHERBERT FUR PERSONA AND AM HOPING TO MEET HIM... HAVE WRITTEN MUCH LONGER DIARY ENTRIES ON THE TRIP SO FAR WHICH I CAN POST YOU WHEN I RETURN - HOPEFULLY WITH SIMON...

AM TERRIBLY CONCERNED AT THE POST HE LEFT ON FRIDAY - SEEMS LIKE HE HAS A FEW PLANS THAT I REALLY THINK COULD PROVE TROUBLE - MUST STOP HIM FROM DOING SOMETHING HE REGRETS...

THANKFULLY HE CANNOT SEE ANY OF MY POSTS - ONLY HIS OWN...

ANYWAY...

HOPE TO BE IN CONTACT AGAIN SOON...

SHY XXX

2003-11-07T09:29:00.000Z

THIS IS THE SECOND OF TWO POSTINGS TODAY...

Hi folks!

Sir Sherbert Fur here!

Just to say that I am now the new tenant of this site - but hey - I am more exciting than dear departed Simon anyway...

Just wanted to introduce myself - I was one of Warhols gang - I lived for four years in the Factory... It was a blast and I intend to tell you all about it - and all about just how exciting my life is now... I have a big-BIG plan in the works - I may be about to commit the CRIME OF THE CENTURY... I think your friend Simon would understand this and be proud of motives... I have scores to settle with some of the producers who have hindered my career in the same way as Simon had issues with some of the superiors at the Beeb and how they destroyed his work for their petty penny pinching... Time for a little spoonful of sweet revenge, me thinks...

Tell you more next time...

I shall write again soon - I'm over in San Fran at the moment - but I must dash - I have a swimming pool full of darling furguys and furgals and I really don't want them all to go to waste...

Keep your whiskers clean boys...

Post again soon...

Cyas petal!

Sherbert xxxxx

2003-11-07T00:19:00.000Z

Readers...

Shy here... I have to be quick...

This will be the last regular posting for the next 10 days - however I will endeavour to update you of any developments...

I am convinced that Simon is still with us - I am trying to get the Police to block an obituaries and I won't be party to writing any myself until I know the truth. I believe wholeheartedly that he escaped the fire and is perhaps suffering from amnesia or identity disorder - I am even more convinced of this since for two reasons...

1. The following newspaper article printed in yesterdays Evening Medium...

SIMON? NO - JUST A SHY MAN...

Fans of Simon Yeti could almost have been mistaken for thinking that Simon had returned from the dead when eccentric millionaire Sir Sherbert Fur was sighted leaving the country last night. Sir Sherbert Fur, one of Andy Warhols chums back in the heady days of the 60s had been visiting the country "Simply for a holiday and research purposes..." He claimed to be working on his autobiography "FUR ENOUGH", to be published sometime during 2004. Sir Sherbert has not been publically sighted on these shores for a good 30 years and it was not known who he may have been visiting. Asked to comment on the mysterious demise of Simon Yeti (who the Police declared yesterday had definitely perished in the Egham hanger fire) Sherbert simply mumbled "I am not aware of his work" and checked onto a flight bound for San Francisco...

There is a picture accompanying this article of a very flamboyantly dressed yeti in a kaftan...

The second reason is as follows:

2. I received an email today...

-----Original Message-----
From: Sir Sherbert Fur [mailto:sirsherbertfur.yahoo.co.uk]
Sent: 07 November 2003 00:33
To: 'shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk'
Subject: Simon Yeti

Dear Shy,

I believe you were the manager of Simon Yeti, actor. May I send my condolences. I had not heard of your friend, Simon - but was reading about some of the recent events leading to his tragic demise. Since arriving home I have been reading the last few posts of his worldofyeti site and found it fascinating. He really did lead an exciting life and at least appeared to have died a hero... It's wonderful to discover that there are other yeti's out there with ALMOST as much of a wonderful career of my own... It's strange to think that Simon and I were probably contemporaries. He in the U.K. and I over here in the States - and yet we never met or rubbed paws. His work was more in tv I believe - whilst mine was in long and rambling 36 hour monologues by Warhol. I presume you've seen Fur and Growlboys? Anyway - as I am working on my autobiography at the moment I am feeling in a writing mood and am keen to offer my services to fill the gap left on your site. I am back over in San Francisco at the moment and am visiting friends in Las Vegas later next week. I will be staying at the Commodore and the Excalibur. Do give me a call if you need my help at all. Payment in Sherbert Fountains, if you will! ;-)

Yours growllingly,

Sir Sherbert Fur x

I wrote back to Sir Sherbert - allowing him access to the site should he wish to post over the next few days...

I intend to head for San Francisco myself to try and speak to him...

...And why?

*Are you sitting down?*

Because Sir Sherbert Fur IS Simon...

Sir Sherbert Fur is a joke nom de plume used by Simon in 60s when he fed up of only getting cast for cameos in Cornonation Street and Crossroads. One day in 1969 he dressed up all fancy and went over to the States and talked his way in Warhol's celebrity set - even becoming quite well known for it... By the early 70s he was bored of it all and gave it up - shedding the disguise and coming home to the U.K.

NO-ONE EVER LEARNT THE TRUTH - THAT IT WAS SIMON ALL THE TIME - IT WAS ONE OF HIS LITTLE JOKES!!!

Hey - if you don't believe me I have the photos, I have the diaries to prove it...

Sir Sherbert Fur DOES NOT exist... But somehow - during the escape - during all that trauma he has forgotten who he is a slipped into this whole false persona...

I have to go out there - to talk him round - make him see sense...

I will keep a diary and try and post whilst I'm out there - or update you as events develop...

Wish me luck - and celebrate...

One way or another Simon is alive...

It's just a matter of bringing him back to us...

Shy xxx

2003-11-06T11:25:00.000Z

Quote of the Day

"Why can't I breathe, whenever I think about you... Why can't I speak, whenever I talk about you..."
Liz Phair.

Readers,

Shy was to have written about his friendship with Simon, today. But is, quite frankly, inconsolable about the news that the Police believe his friend to have died in the fire.

We have had very few comments forwarded onto us since the accident.

The world is still in shock.

Today there is just one letter - it is a letter of hope and it comes from Ian in Folkestone, who I think says it all.

Dear Shy,

I just wanted to write and say how shocked I was to read about Simons latest predicament. It really has turned out to be quite an adventure for the poor Yeti, but Im *sure* he is OK. Yeti's are made of very tough stuff, despite that fluffy exterior. Fingers crossed he will make contact with you soon!!

I also want to say thanks to you for bringing us the daily instalments, even though they have been quite harrowing at times. I cant be easy for you, but we all appreciate what your doing.

If, no, *when* Mr Yeti is home and safe please say thanks to him for answering my recent questions. I'd be happy to make an appointment with him for some fur care if he needs it. Im sure his coat is going to need some serious shampooing and combing after all he's been through this week!

Anyway, keep up the good work, and give my best wishes to the furry guy on his return.

Ian Mansfield (Bearkeeper and fur-ologist)

Thank you Ian for your encouraging words. They are much appreciated.

What ARE we going to do without Simon around??? :-(

We must stride on - like a mighty yeti and do as he would have done...

Any one for Sherbert Dibdabs?

2003-11-05T17:13:00.000Z

Yeti Links Of The Day...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/news/drwho/2003/11/04/7773.shtml

More news from Panopticon from the official BBC Dr Who website.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/doctorwho/gallery/radiotimes/10jamieandvictoria.shtml

Wanna a Yeti screen saver? This picture is from the 1973 10th Anniversary Dr Who Radio Times special and features Simon Yeti...

THERE HAS BEEN NO FURTHER NEWS ON SIMON TODAY AND NO FURTHER ARTICLES THAT HAVE SHED ANY LIGHT ON ANY OF THE QUESTIONS STILL AT LARGE REGARDING THE FIRE...

IN PLACE OF THE USUAL POSTING WE REPRINT AN ARTICLE FROM A SUMMER 1978 EDITION OF TARDIS MAGAZINE - AN INTERVIEW WITH SIMON YETI HIMSELF... IT HAD BEEN OVER 10 YEARS SINCE HIS LAST PROPER APPEARANCE ON THE SHOW AND PRIOR TO HIS BRIEF CAMEO IN 1983's FIVE DOCTORS 20TH ANNIVERSARY STORY... AT THE TIME THERE WAS SOME HOPE WITHIN FANDOM THAT THE YETI WOULD RETURN IN SEASON 16s KEY TO TIME STORIES WHICH WERE DUE TO BE AIRED THE FOLLOWING MONTH...

SUMMER NIGHT YETI!!

BY HOLLY SWISS.

TARDIS MAGAZINE.

AUGUST 1978.

Simon Yeti first appeared in Dr Who in 1967 during The Abominable Snowman and in it's sequel Web of Fear, the following year... Since then his career has largely moved away from Science Fiction and he has appeared in Z Cars, Lulu's Christmas Special and Callan to name just 3 of his more recent tv appearances.

TARDIS magazine caught up with him having just completed a cameo in The Professionals as Underworld Villain Jock McFur.

1. How is the new role going? Do you get to growl very much?

There have been quite a few problems - this is one of the early episodes of the Second Series which is due to be transmitted from early October. Things are running behind and it rather looks as if my appearance might be cut right down or end up on the cutting room floor entirely, I'm afraid... But these things happen - and I've been paid so I can't complain. Still, I do feel a bit fed up about it all at the moment. Lewis (Collins) and Martin (Shaw) were great fun to work with and I have worked with Gordon Jackson before on a 1974 episode of Upstairs Downstairs. And no - there wasn't a lot of growling needed for this particular role.

2. Can you confirm or deny the rumours that the Yeti will be returning to Doctor Who when the series returns to our screens next month.

I would love to be able to confirm it, but I have certainly not been asked back and none of the Yeti that I'm friends with have heard from the BBC. I'm sorry - it's very disappointing - but I don't think we're considered worthy of a return under the current regime. That said - I quite often drink with Tom Baker and I know he was very keen to have me as a companion a couple of years ago after Liz Sladen left the show. But it wasn't to be.

3. Going back to the 60s - who originally approached you to play your part in Abominable Snowmen?

It was actually Doreen, the BBC Tea Lady... I was temping in finance at the time, early '67 and poor old Dor she was lovely but totally scatty - a bit like a gold fish. Everyday she'd come upstairs and bring sandwiches around the offices and every day I'd show up and she'd scream and forget she'd seen me working there. One day - whilst she was picking herself up and dusting herself down she said to me, "Simon... You should
apply for a job on that Dr Who programme..." She knew I was an actor of course and she got hold of an application form for me and the next thing I know there's a script being written by Henry and Merv and - well - suddenly I'm a BIG name monster scaring kids all over the country on a saturday night!

4. Had you watched the show prior to appearing in it?

I had. I was very jealous of William Hartnell's fur - it was very wayward and impressive. I did actually apply for the role of the Dr in '66 but I never heard back from them and of course Pat Troughton got the job instead. My favourites were The Voords or whatever they were called. They were only in one story - The Keys of Mayonnaise!?! was it (actually Keys Of Marinus) but I think they could have been as big as the Daleks. I also enjoyed the Sensorites and The Zarbi who were also very menacing. Which reminds me I used to share a room with one of the Cavemen from the very first story. Lovely guy, Uggg - but never got the hang of the whole fire thing and was always burning his toast or eating his baked beans stone cold.

5. At the time of your first appearance on the show, how experienced were you in tv/film acting?

I'd done quite a bit of stage work and done some radio comedy with Tony Hancock in the late 50s soon after arriving in mainland Britain from the Isle Of Wight, where I was born and grew up. Actually - I'd done a couple of feature films with Bob Monkhouse as well - who is just one of my very favourite people. I could go on - but I'd only bore people. But the acting world is a very fickle place and I always did and still do have my ups and downs, like everyone else. Prior to working on Dr Who I was temping as I mentioned and before this recent work on The Professionals I've gone through a very quiet period...

6. Do you have any amusing anecdotes from the making of Abominable Snowmen.

Oh yes, most certainly! I remember all the mud for a start and also how wonderful it was to meet up with so many of my friends and relatives for all the O.B. work. Patrick and Frazer and Debby were just a blast to work with. Of course the thing that really sticks in my mind is the studio work we did later on - mainly for the last episode... There were problem with the Monsters on the series not being paid as much as the human actors and load of them, Cybermen, Ice Warriors the lot all went on strike... All the other Yeti went on strike too - but nobody told me and the BBC turned up at my door and chauffeured me off to the studios and I had to do all the Yeti scenes for Part 6 on my own. I couldn't understand it - why I was the only one - having to charge down corridors growling, wearing lots of different hats to make it look like there were loads of us. I only found out later and I can tell you - it nearly cost me my career. My name was most definitely mud for a few weeks after that. The BBC were very underhand about it all. They got the Ice Warriors back on side for the following story - but then they were stuck and had to do a non-monster story (Enemy Of The World) until they could persuade us all back for Web...

7. You have commented before that you disliked the changes in your character introduced during Web Of Fear. Can you explain what especially annoyed you?

Well - other than the problems already mentioned - it was mainly the "glowy" eye things they made us wear - supposedly to make us look more scary... The bulbs they made us wear were really painful to wear and I kept walking into the set. Some people seemed to feel we succeeded in being more frightening but I'm not so sure - I just think we looked like Yeti with lamps over our eyes ie: a bit silly...

8. But did you enjoy the making of Web otherwise - as well as reuniting with the TARDIS crew that you'd worked with previously?

Of course... They were marvellous people to work with.... I particularly remember a joke we played on Debby Watling with a pair of my pants - but it's really too confusing to go into at the moment. Filming in the Underground was all very cramped of course - but the rats down there were pretty tasty... Of course the BBC denied that we ever filmed down there and said it was mostly just sets, but there were several members of the cast who were rather expert with the old lock picking - so we'd just wait for the Underground to close and then nip down and play around down there and get the filming done between about 1 and 4.30am! Late nights - but fun... Oooh - the stories I could tell you - but they must stay secret until the day I decide to write my autobiography...

9. How developed were plans for the 3rd Yeti story and how well did you get on with the writers of your particular adventure.

We all got on very well. There was a lot of research involved on their part and as for the 3rd Yeti story - it was quite involved and concerned Clacton and Yeti's doing silly dances and stuff... All very long-winded... I forget the details but I do have it all written down somewhere... I'll get back to you on that one...

10. Why do you think the Yeti did not return after Web Of Fear - especially as you made a brief cameo in Patrick Troughton's last story and also appeared at a press call when Jon Pertwee was announced as the new Dr in late 1969.

BBC politics I'm afraid... You're right - I did make a cameo appearance in War Games - though I think it was just stock footage. I was quite enthused by Pertwee initially cos of the whole "Yeti on a toilet at Tooting Bec Station" quote and appearing at the press call did raise all our hopes I will admit... But alas it was not to be... The trail went cold and then they ended up inviting my friend Nicholas to appear in the show - he played the beast called Aggador in a couple of stories in the early 70s and well - he kind of filled in the furry gap left by our own departure...

11. How did you feel about being asked back for the 1973 Radio Times photo shoot?

I only did it so I could catch up with Debby and Frazer again... It was most odd and by then I wasn't expecting to hear the call to actually appear on the show again. Infact it was the Radio Times who paid us for the shoot - they always did such nice canapes and it was lovely seeing those two again. We got totally squiffy and it was just marvellous! I think I look especially good in that shot - very handsome... I was pleased with the final result I will admit and I earned more from that one photo - about 20 minutes work than I did for a whole six episodes back in '67... The picture was taken in the middle of Hyde Park but they hadn't mowed it for a bit so it looked dead wild and unruly! Splendid...

12. Does it still annoy you that none of your stories exist in the BBC archives?

Does it ever!!! I try to make light of it - but it really upsets me... Whoever ordered that to happen should be set upon by a randy Krynoid... Send me the head of the Director General on a stick - either than or a nice steak n chips... Actually - I REALLY don't want to discuss it - I only learnt about the whole junking business a couple of weeks ago - it totally disgusts me - I'm sorry - but it's inexcusable. Hopefully it's not going to happen for very much longer - but that's too late for us actors and the fans of the show... I mean, I'd have bought them new blank tapes and kept the ones I was in had I known they were doing that. Afterall - you can get a pack of 5 from WHSMITHS for about £2.50. Next question - before I cry...

13. If you were asked back - would you be happy to return to the show... Maybe for a Movie length special?

Hmm... After my last answer I'm not sure they'd WANT me back... But yes - under a more enlightened regime at Auntie, then yes - maybe... A movie would be a whole different ball game and I'd certainly be interested in that. Who do I think should play the Dr? Other than Tom Baker, of course... That would have to be me, I guess! ;-) I think what would be good is if they did a special episode in 1983 for the 20th anniversary - set say on Gallifrey - with as many Doctors as they can gather together pitted against the wits of all the shows old baddies - but with the Yetis obviously masterminding the whole project - perhaps call it Yeti's Vs The Five Doctors... Oooh - and should Tom Baker ever leave (maybe in 1981 or something) then I reckon that bloke off All Creatures Great And Small would make a marvellous replacement - you know the one - Christopher Timothy...

14. Have you kept in touch with any of the people you worked with on the series - or ever watched the series since you last appeared in it?

I mentioned my flatmate earlier, but I didn't actually work with Uggg on the show. Frazer and Debby and I always got on well - and I kept in touch with Pat every year by Christmas card until he sadly passed away. I know a lot of the other Monsters, of course - especially the Yeti ones. And I sometimes have tea with Evelyn the Cybermat but she mainly just clicks and twitters at me. Although she does it very intelligently and with a whole heap of charm! Did I watch the series after I left it? Not for quite some time... Not until I became friends with Tom a year or two ago... But I've watched most of his now - I particularly liked the one with the Giant Rat in and they even let me eat the rat when they'd finished with it... Oh - and the one with the Zygons in... I went out with one of those for a while - but it's so confusing meeting them for a drink... What with them being shape-shifters and all - you never quite know who you're supposed to be meeting...

But Tom - yes... He's terribly good, don't you think? I'll be watching when the show returns in September - whether the Yeti are in it or not... These days it's not really about the BBC - it's about Tom being so very excellent - he'll do exactly what he wants... I only wish he'd stand for P.M. next year...

15. Finally, what projects do you have lined up for the future?

After The Professionals I have a sitcom about Rasputin lined up and I'm due to appear in an advert where I play the Dulux Dog's stunt double... All good fun - but the pay's crap - but then it always was...

Thank you for talking with us, Simon. It was a pleasure meeting you.

THERE WILL BE MORE FROM WORLD OF YETI TOMORROW WHEN SHY YETI AND SOME OF THE FANS CELEBRATE AND SHARE THEIR MEMORIES OF SIMON'S CAREER TO DATE...

STAY TUNED.

2003-11-04T14:08:00.000Z

* DUE TO THE SERIOUS CONTENT OF THIS POSTING THERE IS NO YETI LINK OF THE DAY *

Yeti Link Of The Day: www.noneatallconcerningyeti.furngrr.com

Readers...

You will need to be seated before reading this posting... It contains a second tape transcript and a newspaper article which appeared in last nights Evening Medium.

*COMPILED FROM SIMON'S AUDIO SOURCES: THU 30TH OCTOBER - SUN 2ND NOVEMBER 2003*

Thursday...

We have been constantly on the move since I sent you the last tape - I have been unable to contact you directly because Fee has needed constant monitoring... The eggs are nearly ready to hatch - within the next day or two. Fee is weakening and finding it very difficult to hold back the flames. Dr Pyre has been unstoppable in his pursuit of us... Fee has come up with an idea... She has suggested that she render herself unconscious so that she becomes harder to trace. I agreed reluctantly. This puts me in charge of the eggs. At first I thought she wanted me to hit her or something - which I really wasn't keen on - but she bought sixteen bottles of red wine from an off license and is busily gulping those down at the moment. She is yet to offer me any. That said the wine looks seriously cheap and I'm not sure I do want any. I am drinking something of my own concoction that I have called Sprite Extra (25% Sprite, 75% Vodka) - yum... But only a bottle or two cos I need to stay alert... I takes a lot of Voddy to knock a Yeti over...

Anyway... We have found what appears to be a large hanger full of boxes - which we are hoping to use as a base for the next couple of days... Maybe long enough for Fee to help the Phoenixes successfully hatch...

I'll switch off now to conserve the batteries...

Friday...

Oh dammit... We're in an egg factory... Fee is unconscious, having drunken herself into a state where Dr Pyre can hopefully not locate us and - ummm - the Phoenix eggs are missing...

Let me explain... It wasn't exactly my fault... The Sprite Extra was slightly stronger than I intended, is all...

Okay! Hey look - I admit it - I fell asleep...

When I say an egg factory it is actually a factory which turns real eggs in processed egg - so most of the eggs are actually dry and some of them are simply "suspended" for later use... The eggs haven't hatched but they've burnt their way through the container and have rolled off... I've found one of them - it was so hot it had left a burnt track from where it had rolled across the floor... It surely won't take me long to find the others... There doesn't seem to be anyone in the hanger - although a van parked up aside and loaded into the unit next door...

There was a radio news report going at the time - it mentioned us and I recorded it...

"Simon Yeti - Z list celebrity furball and star of televisions Dr Who in the 60s has gone missing... He was last seen trying to put out a bush that a friend of his, Miss Felicity Nicks had set alight. Miss Nicks is a prolific arsonist who is wanted in questioning for a number of recent blazes. Her own flat and a number of cinemas have been recent victims of her fiery temper. It is not known why Simon Yeti is aiding Miss Nicks and hasn't handed her into the Police - but as Mr Yeti himself recently sustained injuries after falling from a window on a passing lunatic - there is a possibility that he, himself has become a tad unhinged. His friend, Shy Yeti is adamant that this isn't the case...

'I am expecting to receive details regarding this matter in the next couple of days and have assured the Police that whatever the reason is Simon is of totally sound mind...'

Dr Felix Pyre, who is Miss Nick's carer is not so sure...

'This woman is a danger to people, I am afraid... She broke out of a secure unit and must be brought back for her own safety... I was aware that she had been writing to Mr Yeti for some years and they were in contact - but when I spoke to Simon the other day he assured me that he would help me get in contact with Felicity and ensure her safe return. Why he has gone back on this promise I don't know... He is in great danger if he chooses to give her safe haven - and frankly I am concerned about his own mental health... After all, he has mentioned in previous interviews that he used to imbibe large helpings of Sherbet in the past and having sustained this fall recently, who knows what might be going through his addled mind... Frankly they may BOTH be a huge menace in their current unhinged states...'

The Police hunt continues..."

I, of course was furious - I considered sending Shy a smoke signal or a message by pigeon - but in the end neither option seemed exactly appropriate - OR possible...

Hopefully Shy you will have received my first tape by now and will endeavour to divert matters... I don't care about my own reputation just at this moment - only in the safe passage of Fee and the hatchlings... From what Fee has told me I believe Felix Pyre to be an evil man... Hopefully we will be safe here in the hanger...

All I have to do is wait for Fee to recover and also to solve the small problem of finding the missing eggs...

It can't be THAT hard...

Saturday...

It WAS that hard...

The Phoenixes haven't hatched fully but they have sprouted legs and they have been running around the hanger all day... I even found one attempting to ask directions from a box of "suspended" eggs, whilst another was busily trying to bury itself in the ground. At least 2 of them I found attempting what appeared to be Sumo wrestling - endangering their shells and a third was attempting to fill in an application form for next years Pop Idol. Or something. The bloody things are extremely hot to the touch and I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to pick them up... But I did - and they're all back...

They are ready to hatch - any time now... But there is just one small, but urgent problem!!!

Fee seems to have set herself into a trance - but I can find no way to revive her... I tried singing to her - old Barry Mannilow songs - but it just seemed to send her deeper in.. She will wake when she is ready I suppose... But the hatchlings seem ready... Whatsmore I fear that although she is unconscious she might well be giving herself away... She keeps calling out to Felix Pyre... Does this mean that if she is thinking about him in her dream state then he might be able to find us...

Fee's body is as cold as ice - but she is breathing... It's all so different from how hot she was previously...

This can't be a good sign...

Sunday...

The hatchlings calmed down over night... They must be sleeping. There shells are only cracked where their feet are pointing out. Fee is beginning to revive - but both of us need food... Fee certainly needs food if she is going to create the fire for the Phoenixes. Overnight I cast away any concern about what will happen to this hanger after the fire... I do not truly know what will happen to Fee... She claims she will be reborn along with the Phoenixes - but I am not sure that I believe her. When we talked about this before she simply described herself as "the match to light the fire"... Well when a match is lit it tends to burn away - or at least loses a lot of it's original appearance... I fear that Fee will be but a burnt out stump of her former self...

I told her as much, "Whatever is the case Simon..." she said, "Just remember that I love you dearly for being such a good friend to me... You only need stay with me until the fire begins - after that you must leave... Let the fire burn and be gone..."

What on earth am I going to do - what am I going to say to people after the fire...

Her body is warming...

I am going to risk nipping off to KFC (are chickens anything like Phoenixes - maybe I should try Burger King) for something stodgy yet reviving... All I have eaten in the last two days is dried egg and an appalling attempt at an omelette...

*tape clicks*

Fee has eaten and is revived... We have spoken briefly but there is danger...

On my way back from Burger King - all disguised under a blonde wig just incase the Police were about - I think I saw Felix Pyre... He was dressed suspiciously... (I can talk) ...as a pantomime goose but I don't think he saw me... However he may soon be able to trace us down now that Fee is conscious again and aware.

There is no time to move on now...

Flames are shimmering around Fee now...

"It is time..."

*tape clicks*

I have had to leave Fee... There are noises outside of the hanger... The door seems to have been forced...

I can smell burning...

Fee is on fire... I can hardly see her amongst the flames... The eggs are ready to hatch... I can hear the birds squarking...

There is someone in the hanger with me...

I can see someone up on the gantry - someone in a pantomime goose costume carrying a fire entinguisher...

"DR PYRE..."

*tape clicks*

Felix Pyre just threw a large golden egg at me and nearly knocked me off the gantry. I am bruised... I am...

*SOUNDS OF RUSTLING AND FIGHTING...*

"Don't you dare... OUCH! Stop that right now..."

"I MUST HAVE THOSE EGGS!!!"

"LEAVE THEM ALONE PYRE... GROWL! YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M ANGRY!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...... OUCH... NO-ONE GIVES SIMON YETI A WEDGEY!!!

*FURTHER SOUNDS OF FIGHTING AND COUGHING - THERE IS OBVIOUSLY MUCH SMOKE IN THE HANGER... SUDDENLY THERE IS A SCREAM... SOMEONE HAS FALLEN FROM THE GANTRY...*

*tape clicks*

*THERE IS A VOICE - IT IS WEAK - THERE ARE MANY OTHER SOUNDS - BURNING - SCREAMING VOICES AND FRANTIC BIRD CALL*

It's me... Simon... Dr Pyre has fallen from high up here on the gantry... Fee is calling for me to leave... The Phoenixes are hatching and she looks like a pile of living breathing ash... But I can't get down... Not unless I throw myself down - but all the boxes below are burning... *coughs* I have done my duty... I just want to watch the phoenixes - they look so marvellous... the colours are so wonderful - the birds are flying high now... through the smoke - up - up - to their escape... *coughs* I have done my job... I hope Fee isn't hurting too bad... I can't get to her now... *coughs* the gantry is warming up but that's kind of nice - kind of cosy... I think I shall go to sleep... *coughs*

All I ever wanted was to be the hero...

I hope my fur isn't too badly scorched...

Oh well.

*TAPE ENDS*

*THIS WAS FOUND AT THE SITE OF THE FIRE ON MONDAY AFTERNOON AND WAS REMOVED BY SHY BEFORE FORENSICS ARRIVED... ALL THAT REMAINED OF THE HANGER WAS ASH AND EGG SHELLS... THE ONLY BODY FOUND WAS THAT OF DR FELIX PYRE IN WHAT REMAINED OF HIS PANTOMIME GOOSE COSTUME...*

The following article appeared in the Evening Medium yesterday and as yet there have been no further information...

EGG ON FACE IN FIRE MYSTERY...

Police locate missing Yeti and his pyromaniac pal.

Evening Medium, Monday 3rd November 2003...

Police fought through the night and into the early hours of this morning to put out a seemingly unvanquishable blaze at a processed egg processing plant near Egham. This event appears to be the tragic finale to an almost week long hunt for Miss Felicity Nicks, (age-unknown) a career arsonist whose escape had been aided by tv has-been, Simon Yeti, (age-unknown). Dr Felix Pyre, (52) who along with Police had been trying to get back his charge is known to have died in the fire. Traces of clothes identified as belonging to Miss Nicks have been found in the blaze, but no body - and the only sign of Mr Yeti are the charred remains of his Equity Card. Police fear that both he and Miss Nicks perished in the fire but may have been vapourised due to the extreme heat.

One former showbiz colleague of Simon's Desmond The Silurian was quoted as saying, "I suppose he must have had a breakdown... I saw him on the National Lottery Show back in April and all he would talk about was a copy of Bucks Fizz's Greatest Hits he had bought from Oxfam the previous day! He really was losing it, I'm afraid - and to have involved himself in such a hair-brained scheme - it seems such a sad end to a furry career... He was a very generous professional in his prime - although he never quite came to terms with the fact that a lot of his career had been wiped by the BBC... I do sincerely hope that he has survived the blaze and that this isn't the end of an era..."

Mr Yeti's manager, Shy spoke only briefly on the matter, stating, "It is a sad day for all of us... But the Police will soon uncover the truth... If there is any chance that he escaped the blaze I am afraid we are not aware of it... Yet - even so - it is possible something good has come from all this... I have proof which I am passing to the correct authority which will prove the nefarious plotting of the late Dr Pyre..."

Police investigations continue.

MORE NEWS AS WE HEAR IT, READERS - AS YET WE HAVE NOTHING REASSURING TO ADD...

PLEASE SEND IN ANY MESSAGES OR ANECDOTES RELATING TO SIMON YETI - ANY CONTRIBUTIONS WILL BE POSTED ON THURSDAY.

SIMON YETI IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE MANAGED BY SHY YETI MANAGEMENT, COPYRIGHT BEECHES 2003.

2003-11-03T16:35:00.000Z

Awww Bless, Yeti Link Of The Day...

http://www.unmuseum.org/yeti.htm

Some more quaint Yeti theories... We, of course know the truth...

Dear Readers...

Shy Yeti here again - filling in for Simon - and it's a very busy post today... There has been little new information on Simon since late on last week - we believe him to be in hiding... The Police are still trying to track him down and there is a possibility that they have a lead to where he may be. If any other tapes have been sent it is possible that they have been caught up in London's postal strikes... All the same, I can confirm that we do have the transcript of the tape Simon sent last week - but first - whilst I put some finishing touches to these - there is some other business I'd like to get out of the way...

Firstly we received a correction from Mr Ceri Laing who sent in questions for Simon just before his disappearance... With Simon not being here I'll do my best to add any comments if I can help at all...

Hi Simon,

Thanks for responding to my questions, but I have to point out your memory is getting a little confused as regards The Adventure Game. (Quite understandable - it was a long time ago!)

In response to my question, you responded thus:

>2. Does Simon like talking teapots as well?

I presume you are referring to the talking tea pot that used to appear on The Adventure Game. Well - no - I must admit - I knew that tea pot and actually it wasn't an alien at all - but an small fellow called Martin who used to sell double glazing - who would climb into the teapot before every show and mumble his lines and spout out hot steam everywhere. (Cos it was hot in there, doncha know!)<

You are right about the teapot being placed by a small fellow, but his name was actually Kenny! or Kenny Baker to give him his full name. He is a well established actor, in fact he starred in one of my favourite films - Time Bandits (a must see film for all Terry Gilliam and Telefantasy fans). He also plays R2-D2 in the Star Wars films and as you went on to talk about
this in the rest of the update I felt it was important to point this out to you.

Maybe you knew a Martin who sold double glazing at some point perhaps?

Ceri ;)

Ahhhh... Ceri, now I'm glad I got to this before Simon did... I can say this with him not here and all... For some reason, when Simon can't remember people's names he calls them "Martin..." I'm not sure WHY, quite - but he does... Actually now I think back - Simon's Sherbet Fountain supplier was called Mart - so that might explain quite a lot!

Apologies to Kenny Baker - a dear, dear friend to Simon in the past... No offence meant... I'm sure when Simon is back in regular contact he will regail us all further with his stories of filling R2-D2's socks with itching powder during the filming of Jedi! Thanks for writing in Ceri...

Now... Onto other matters - and this weekends highly enjoyable (in places) Panopticon : 40th Anniversary Dr Who convention. Of course Simon was to have been at the Awards Ceremony and would have presented the whole shebang - but Mr Mark Gatiss stepped in at the last minute and did an admirable job. The 60s panel which included stars, directors and writers involved in the show during that decade was noticeably quiet due to Simon's absence - but Carole Anne Ford did very well - although her original plans to dress up and pretend to BE Simon were thankfully scrapped. Mention was made of Simon during the usual "Bestest Villain Ever..." award - where he came second to Evelyn the Cybermat who collected her award and yet made a few tear-enducing click-clicking noises in memory of Simon... Simon is usually a very vocal double act with Mr Michael Sheard during the disco - but of course this year Michael had to abandon his usual Grease Megamix duet with Simon in favour of his Mr Bronsontastic "School's Out..." crowd-pleaser...

Mr Stephen Wood, who has contributed to this site before posted up a gorgeous review of events on yahoo group The Mary Tamm Appreciation Society... The post relates to events from the first day and I am pleased to reproduce it here, with his blessing.

Hi everyone - Anthony, Paul and I are just getting ready to launch ourselves back upon the heady world of Doctor Who fandom and thought we'd give you a quick update so far.

The biggest events to date have been the (I think) first convention appearance of Paul McGann - he was at first nervous but quickly relaxed (India Fisher came on stage to keep him company) and it was overwhelming to see how enthusiastic he is about the show, saying he would take the role again if it was available and committed himself to Big Finish for the future. He seemed taken aback by the standing ovations, as did Verity Lambert later in the day, as it was also her first convention experience. Brought a misty eye to us all.

The other cool thing was an unseen trailer for Power of the Daleks, lasting only a few spooky moments as the Doctor edges into the darkened Dalek capsule and introduces Polly and Ben to dust shrouded Daleks. :-) Oh, and a preview of what looks like a small comedy show extra for the future Pyramids of Mars DVD!

Stephen x

Many of the guests were great fun - on both days - but as Stephen went on to detail - the organisation of the convention itself was far from ideal...

I was there myself on both days - although due to the continuing situation with Simon I wasn't able to be there for everything. I did, however get the opportunity to share a cheese salad baguette with Paul and Verity and reassured them that the adoration they had received during the day was quite-quite genuine. Verity had previously directed Simon in something gorgeous during the 70s and I believe Paul and Simon shared managers for a while - a long time before our association.

Sunday's event included a welcome panel with Liz Sladen (Sarah Jane Smith) and Louise Jameson (Leela), also Nicola Bryant (Peri) and Sophie Aldred (Ace) as well as writers and script writers. There was also a preview of the first two episodes of BBCi's Dr Who - Scream of the Shalka....

See http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/news/drwho/2003/10/31/7723.shtml

(including sampled grrrrrs from Simon, rumour has it), which was very enthusiastically received at the end of Sunday's proceedings. There was much discussion but no firm news about the new series due in 2005.

Any further reviews of the days are welcome to post to me

Finally though - the moment you have probably been waiting for... The missing days...

*COMPILED FROM SIMON'S AUDIO DIARY : TUES 28-WED 29TH OCTOBER 2003*

Simon: I am out in the garden and Fee is beckoning to me... She is surrounded by flame and yet does not appear to be burning... She has been speaking in my mind - but now she is speaking aloud to me...

Fee: I am sorry I have not explained this all to you... I was hoping to have done so but my existance is being threatened... Please do not be afraid... I am not here to hurt you...

Simon: What about the fire in the the flat - the cinema...

Fee: A mistake... A mistake... I am finding it very hard to contain my fire as you can see...

Simon: I DO see - you're scoulding the lawn, dear... I really don't understand what is going on... Your friend Pyre is extremely eager to speak with you...

Fee: He is coming here?

Simon: Supposedly... Yes...

Fee: Come - we must go Simon... You have the eggs I see - we must leave - go somewhere to safety and then I can explain...

Simon: But Fee... My fur - it's only just been washed - I can't get it all dirty again - and I haven't got my best pants on...

*TAPE CLICKS ** TIME HAS PASSED*

...But she silenced me then... (Somehow!?! There's a first time for everything...)

I went with her... I'm not quite sure where - we seemed to walk through the darkened streets for hours - her fires were dying down again but a fire engine did chase after us at least once when she was in danger of setting fire to a bush...

Eventually we arrived...

I think we're hiding out in an abandoned ice cream van somewhere near Chiswick - at least for now - and by the time you receive this tape we'll have moved on...

I can assure you I am not in danger - at least not from Fee - well not directly...

I dare not ring you but I will try and send you this tape and will endevour to send you a message/email/something soon - but time isn't on our side...

I have learnt the following...

1. Fee is a phoenix. We knew that, but not the full story. The eggs which we have in our possession are phoenix eggs and for them to properly hatch they need to be exposed to fire. Dr Pyre (who is not a good man) originally stole the eggs before they hatched and they have remained dormant.

2. Dr Pyre has been using Fee's natural pyronetic tendencies for his own purposes. He wishes to use Fee as the "match" the kick-start the phoenix eggs into hatching. Just sticking them under the grill on on the bonfire wouldn't work. You need the RIGHT type of fire...

3. Fee escaped with the eggs and hopes to trigger the hatching - but not until she knows she is in a safe environment and Dr Pyre won't be able to get to them...

4. Dr Pyre is able to trace pin-point Fee telepathically, but it takes him some time... However this is the reason she is constantly on the move...

There is much more I need to tell you...

*Fee's voice can be heard...*

Fee: It's not safe here any longer Simon, my dear...

Simon: I have told Fee I will stay with her and help aid the hatching of the birds... I must stop recording now - the tape is nearly full and the enemy is close...

Furry wishes, all...

I have to sign off... There are footsteps outside the van... Someone is coming...

...And that is the last we heard from him - except for the brief posting which appeared here on wednesday morning...

Further developments should we receive them...

Grrrs to you, Simon and Purrrrrs to Fee... Wherever you are...

THERE WILL BE ANOTHER POSTING ON BEHALF OF SIMON, BY SHY YETI TOMORROW... STAY TUNED...

SIMON YETI IS MANAGED BY SHY YETI MANAGEMENT, COPYRIGHT BEECHES 2003.

2003-10-31T11:18:00.000Z

* MESSAGE POSTED BY SHY YETI *

Halloween links of the day:

http://www.see-london.com/briefhistory_ghosts.asp

Ghosts of London…

http://members.tripod.com/ltkrunch/villWsnowghost.htm

A picture of the Snow Ghost (a kind of Yeti) off Scooby Doo!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN READERS!!!

It was one of Simon’s favourite days of the year – well – I’m sure it still is… He always loved scaring the local children half to death and the locals used to pay him to do so… Awww… I remember the look on their faces – frozen in fear is probably the best way to describe them… We were always so proud of them and he never got any comeback from the parents – everyone was so pleased to have the streets free of kids.

“Mummy – Mummy – it’s the Yeti man… Please take me home – although please do not inflict either Kilroy or any Reality Television on my poor young and now almost totally addled brain…”

…they used to cry…

Bless! And Simon would growl and nibble at their tiny arms – making sure he didn’t leave any marks or tickle them at all with him fur… He was always terribly gentle… Except for the time he sneezed and swallowed a Pekinese… But well – let’s gloss over that…

Anyway – so Halloween… One of his most enjoyable times of the year and – well – he won’t get to enjoy it this time…

* Sniff *

Ahem… Sorry…

Listen… I am currently trying to decipher Simon’s poorly spoken English (I’m not great on translating Grrrs and growls stuff and a couple of times he does regress to Olde Yeti, which is harder to make sense of due to his Isle of Wight accent … I don’t want to sound ungrateful cos Simon was under stress at the time of his narration of events – but why he found it necessary to dribble into the tape I’m not sure… Unless that was the fault of the Postman… (Ours tends to eat chicken drum sticks whilst doing his rounds…)

That said, we should have something for you early next week… The Police are hot on the trail of matters and are hoping to track Simon down… There has been no more sightings of Fee or Dr Pyre – and no more further contact from Si himself…

Just to reassure you – there will be new postings of some sort on Monday… I intend to take Simon’s role at this weekends big 40th anniversary convention, Panopticon in London and will hopefully post some kind of report on that. We also have a 1978 interview with Simon which we’ll be making available to you…

…And of course the tape transcript…

Just please don’t nag – I think I may well have the flu coming on…

One of your number somehow got hold of my phone number last night and kept ringing me and speaking in a dodgy French accent…

“Monsieur – post up le frickin’ transcript… What ‘az ‘appened to Monsieur Si-mon… Tell us – tell us now – s’il vous plait… Zut alor!”

I just want to say one thing to this…

Please don’t do it again. 27 times is excessive – 27 times an hour I may add… You’re slowing me up…

I won’t bore you with any more poetry today – but I am prepared to post up something new – infact it was the last thing Simon worked on before he vanished…

Do you remember last week a gentleman called Ian wrote in with a question for Simon? He was a bear keeper seeking advice… Well Simon replied to him and over the weekend Ian responded to the advice with the following letter and also wished him well after his recent hospital stay… Simon had just completed his response before Fee turned herself into The Blazing Inferno…

The letter began as follows…

Hi there Mr Yeti,

Just wanted to say thank you for answering my question about fur grooming on your web page. I found your hints and tips to be most interesting and hope to put them into practice soon!

Not a problem – my pleasure… Always happy to help someone who takes a strong interest and obviously enjoys their work as much as you do…

I have a young cub in my charge at the moment who's in dire need of a shampoo and soapy back rub!

Well from what I can tell, you will be very good at it… Please let me know how you get on – I may even seek out your skills for my own purposes at some point if you’d be available. My last masseur and fur shampoo-er fell tripped and got his head stuck in a rabbit hole and hasn’t been seen since…

I do however have a couple more questions for you if you would be so kind!

Please Ian – ask away! ;-)

I read recently that dear old Bungle from Rainbow has just recently come out of rehab for the 3rd time. He was a bit of a childhood hero of mine, so to read all that stuff in the tabloids about his 10 grand-a-week coke habit, and his sordid three-in-a-bed rent boy scandal is quite shocking. Was he really like that back in the 70's? I mean, you must have brushed fur with him in the corridors of Thames television at some point?

Hehe. You could say that…

Poor old Bungle… I do actually know him pretty well – although I haven’t seen him for a good couple of years now. I’m afraid that it was he who, it could be said, led me astray after I lost out to Dustin Hoffman on Tootsie. Bungle was always really big on the old nose candy – but I’d like to clear up one misconception. It wasn’t coke (although sometimes he’d try Fanta or 7 Up and more recently Pepsi Max…) that he was a big fiend for – but Sherbet Dibdabs – my own weakness throughout the 60s and 70s during moments of weakness… I remember in about 1986 after we’d been out with the boys from Duran Duran (all BIG sherbet dibdab fans) – we just slept… The next thing I remember it was 1987 and Sylvester McCoy was playing the Dr and I’d missed yet another chance to audition…

As for his bedroom activities – he was more a three-in-the-bed rent bear man, I believe… Though I cannot confirm any of that from first hand experience as I was never one of that three. The closest Bungle and I EVER got to anything intimate was sharing a Chicken Chow Mein in Folkestone in about 1974.

Also, are you related to the little blue yeti that advertises bio yoghurt on the telly? He's a cute little fellow, and I thought he bore a striking resemblance to you in your younger day.

Oooo Mr – careful what you say… I’m still young!!! In Yeti terms at least – I moisturise and I work out and am often to be seen in the pages of HELLO looking darn fabulous and gorgeous. I’m joking… But no – I’m not related to the little blue yeti – I ACTUALLY am the little blue Yeti… It’s amazing what they can do with CGI these days… I can tell you though – that was one of the best paid jobs I ever had – I got more for those commercials than I did for playing John Lennon in a stage version of Carousel only 3 years ago… I’ll tell you though – that blue paint took damn ages to get out of my fur and I had to have a bit trimmed down. This is something I NEVER do and as you know I wouldn’t even shave for Kylie during my recent video shoot… Still – I’d rather to think too much about that disappointing episode!

Thats all,

Hope all is well with you soon!!

Best wishes, Ian

Bless you – it’s a pleasure… Feel free to write again if you ever have any other questions and I’ll note down your contact details for massaging purposes… Good luck with the bears and don’t let them give you any shit – just their honey…

Anyway – must go – there has been some problem here with my housemate burning things down and I need to check my emails to see if any light can be shed on this by her ex-flatmate… Thanks again for writing…

Big Hugz, Simon Yeti xxx

Awww! Shy again… Wasn’t that lovely… May I just add my thanks to you Ian – I hope you find Simon’s responses to your questions to your liking…

* Sniffs *

Sorry… Overwhelmed by a wave of emotion there…

* Sniffs *

Apologies… Anyway - that’s all we have time for this posting… It is unlikely that anything will be posted until Monday now – but please bear with us…

Take care and don’t speak to phoenixes…

Hugs,

Shy Yeti xxx

SIMON WILL HOPEFULLY RETURN SOON... STAY TUNED...

SIMON YETI IS MANAGED BY SHY YETI MANAGEMENT, COPYRIGHT BEECHES 2003.

2003-10-30T13:37:00.000Z

* WORK IS CURRENTLY BEING UNDERTAKEN IN THE TRANSLATING OF THE TAPE SENT TO US BY SIMON, WHICH WAS RECEIVED THIS MORNING. SHY YETI HAS BEEN WORKING FOR OOOH - MINUTES ON THIS JOB AND HE INTENDS TO POST A TRANSCRIPT OF THE TAPE AS SOON AS IS ONE IS AVAILABLE...

NO FURTHER CONTACT HAS BEEN RECEIVED FROM SIMON TO DATE! *

2003-10-29T11:22:00.000Z

*** PLEASE NOTE - THERE HAVE BEEN TWO POSTINGS MADE TODAY... ***
*** THIS IS THE SECOND... ***
*** THE FIRST IS POSTED BELOW THIS ONE... ***

*hi it's me, simon...*

*briefly...*

*i am okay... things r hectic...*

*in hiding - no time to explain*

*have sent tape to shy - should update things...*

*have only had 1 cornflake to eat since tuesday...*

*i will be ok*

*please do not worry*

*damn*

*Shy - please send apologies to Belle And Sebastian - can we reschedule?*

*have to go - someone is coming*

*kisses*

*Si xx*

*PS shy, please cancel the milk*

2003-10-29T10:41:00.000Z

DEAR CATASTROPHE, SIMON...

Yeti Links Of The Day...

http://www.yeti-airlines.com/

Simon hasn't flown with this Nepalese airline but I am sure he would approve of the name...

http://www.yetiworld.com/

These people design things which are useful...

* MESSAGE FROM SHY YETI TO ALL READERS *

Apologies for the short post today...

I have had no contact from Simon since he posted on tuesday... He was supposed to have been having dinner with Belle And Sebastian (the music group http://www.belleandsebastian.com/home.php - see review at http://www.guardian.co.uk/arts/reviews/story/0,11712,1054343,00.html) but failed to show up. Now I know Simon wouldn't have just not showed up cos he's been playing their new album to death and was hoping to play the cello at one of their December gigs.

We're all terribly worried about him here - as I'm sure you'll understand...

The last posting concerning Fee was mighty scary... As often happens - Simon actually records most of his postings on a dictaphone, which I then type up for him... What was posted yesterday comes from a tape that I found in his flat... Yesterday's post ends at the point where the tape ended...

Simon is gone - all Fee's belongings are gone and so are some of Simon's - including his dictaphone...

The only information I can add is that there appeared to have been forced entry to the flat - sometime before I came over and found the tape... The Police have taken finger prints but as yet have not identified the intruder - although having listened to the tape I am guessing that the person responsible might be Dr Pyre... (Simon's Kylie stalker is still locked up I CAN confirm!)

It would seem likely that Simon cannot get access to a pc at present - he DOES have access to this site and can post directly should it be possible for him to do so. Failing that I am hoping that we shall receive a tape from him which might update us on his progress...

My thoughts are with Simon at this time - as I am sure yours are...

To end on a more upbeat note I propose to end this posting with a poem...

Please enjoy it and do not shed big tears - as Peter Davison once said;

"Pass us the rubber gloves - there's a lamb to be milked..."

Sorry that was the wrong quote... He actually said;

"Brave heart..."

We must all be brave, today.

Shy Yeti xxx

THEY CAME FROM OUTER HEBRIDES!!!

They came from Outer Hebrides -
They came from Watford Gap!
They have an evil game to play…
You can bet it isn’t Snap!
They’re the creatures of our nightmares…
They’re the monsters from bad dreams!
Despite all best intentions -
They are full of wicked schemes…
Despite all words of wisdom -
They’ll find it hard to be behaved!
None who ever met one -
Found their lives would end up saved!
Not one of them escaped from -
Inside those misfits’ mashing jaws…
Always got a tad unsettled…
If got blood upon their claws!

They came from out the Green Belt -
From within North/South divide…
Just pray you don’t bump into one -
When their mouths are open wide!
When they’ve got into a foul mood…
When they’ve got a parking fee!
And they’re rotters around Valentines!
When no hearts are EVER free!!!
Especially if you’re creepy…
It’s hard for beasts to get a date!
And if the girls do not arrive on time -
They will permanently be late!
They came from Corn-flake packets!
Outer deepest, darkest Kent!
From across the Scottish Highlands…
And it’s way-past time they went!

They came from Inner Cities -
They come from in yer mind!
They are hiding in your pillows!
Eating only orange rind…
Try and blast them out with disco…
They can only cope with rock!
They’re all fine wine fanatics -
So dine them out on Hock…
They’ll threaten and they’ll menace -
They will stalk you just for fun!
Try killing them with kindness -
Or perhaps just use a gun!
They came from Outer Hebrides -
They’re down on Women’s Lib!
They have an evil game to play…
You can bet it isn’t Crib!

FROM GO 4TH & DIVIDE BY SHY YETI.
WWW.THEDAFFYPOET.BLOGSPOT.COM
COPYRIGHT BEECHES PUBLICATIONS 2003.

SIMON WILL HOPEFULLY POST AGAIN TOMORROW... STAY TUNED...

SIMON YETI IS MANAGED BY SHY YETI MANAGEMENT, COPYRIGHT BEECHES 2003.

2003-10-28T15:14:00.000Z

Afternoon Readers...

We have time for TWO Yeti links, today...

http://www.yeticycles.com/

It's a link that connects to a company which makes bikes - but bikes are always useful if you get a Yeti cross - cos although we're not as slow as one might think - we'd never catch up with you if you were cycling... Unless we were cycling after you too...

http://www.legendofyeti.com/

A nice enough site - with plenty of stories and news and a few pictures of my Uncle Desmond's footmarks which he left in the the snow years back. They are especially excited about a Yeti sighting by Pike fishermen in Northumberland who claim to have spotted a huge ape-like monster after a day on Bolam Lake. Apparently "Yeti experts" (who hell they!?!) say they too have seen the beast, although no-one is quite sure what it is. Of course... That would have been me on one of my weekend rambles... I have friends up that way... BUT I DO NOT LOOK LIKE AN APE!!! I WAS DRESSED UP AS ONE - I WAS GOING TO A FANCY DRESS PARTY! SHEEEESH!!!!!

ANYWAY!!! There is a little too much emphasis on "hunting" and "capturing" a Yeti for my liking and some of the pictures of us look a bit too ape-like in my humble opinion. Everyone knows that we look like the Yetis that appeared in Dr Who (because - err - well - that was us!) but with added scary make-up and glowy eye type things for effect.
Listen now! I realise that I left matters at rather a critical moment back there - and I do intend to continue to explain all that occurred afterwards...

But first - I have some business to attend to... Being that this is a site for *YOU* the fans of my work - I do have a number of questions from you all out there, which I do intend to answer.

The first is from a gentleman named Ceri who wrote in with a question last week... He refers to a number of points mentioned in yesterdays posting...

1. What was Simon doing on I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again? Bill Oddie's understudy perhaps? :)

Well funnily enough - yes - absolutely. As you will all recall, Bill isn't the tallest fella in the world and one day he got stuck up a big tree whilst trying to give marriage guidance tips to a couple of blue tits... In the end he couldn't get down and had to snuggle up with the birds in their nest until Jenny Agutter came passing by and was able to reach up and help him down. Meanwhile... Bill had of course missed the show and I was called in at the last minute... I was very good - although one listener wrote in having mistaken my voice for that of top ex-satsuma wrestling champion, Maureen Lipman. Or something.

Sorry. I think I had too many gins over lunch. Still - it's all true. Ceri then asks...

2. Does Simon like talking teapots as well?

I presume you are referring to the talking tea pot that used to appear on The Adventure Game. Well - no - I must admit - I knew that tea pot and actually it wasn't an alien at all - but an small fellow called Martin who used to sell double glazing - who would climb into the teapot before every show and mumble his lines and spout out hot steam everywhere. (Cos it was hot in there, doncha know!)

Next up, Ceri enquires...

3. And are Yeti's really *that* flexible to do kung fu?

Ceri adds the following comment: "Can they really kick their leg's up that high (ala the Can Can?). I have visions of Yoda in Attack of the Clones! I assumed they had short stumpy legs and large fur covered bodies, or do they have long legs that are fur covered to completely hide them? I suspect I'm just jealous of him getting that close to Uma Thurman in that yellow jumpsuit. :)"

Of course we can! Although we do it very quickly - almost too quickly for the eye to follow... We have neither short and stumpy legs (like Wombles) or tall and furry legs (like Pan's People) but legs that are somewhere in between - a little like Sean Connery's. Not that you can see them too well under all the fluff.

Please! No comparison's with Yoda, please... How embarrassing was that! You of course realise that the Attack of the Clones Yoda wasn't a real one at all and only CGI... They never asked the real Yoda back (or Malcolm as he is known to his friends) because of his rather controversial proposal that politicians should be housed in battery farms for a month whilst hens were allowed to run the Whitehouse. As we all know - it didn't work - but they don't seem to have swapped them back round again yet... Poor Malcolm... He always was a dreamer...

As for being jealous of Uma's catsuit - I can understand that. But I was speaking to her the other day and she confessed to being jealous of your definitive collection of Wonder Stuff vinyl - so it's horses for courses really. We all have something that we take for granted that somebody else somewhere would sell their granny for... I, for instance, was blessed with exceedingly good looks - which I believe Brad Pitt and David Beckham are particularly keen to get hold of (being pasty faced skinny fellas with little or no fur to keep them warm) - whereas I'd love to meet Jennifer Aniston or Posh - cos apparently they both understood the true meaning of David Lynch's Mullholland Drive and I was hoping they'd explain it to me... So you see... Just you celebrate what you have, Mr C... Oh - and Uma says hi and can she have her Bay City Rollers CD back sometime...

Hic.

We do like Ceri - he's a true fan. Although he seemed to think that I was just showing off when I was telling people about being escorted off the hospital premises by men with baseball bats... It was true though... What can I say! :-)

Actually, it is extremely appropriate that Ceri has mentioned Star Wars - because I also have a number of questions concerning this particular series of films, from a certain James V from Ealing. Which I can hopefully cover before getting back on track with the main event... James asks:

a) How accurate a depiction of a large furry animal did you find Chewbacca in the Star Wars films?

James - James... You seem a trifle confused here... Being that Chewbaccas is a large furry animal - his depiction is obviously pretty authentic... I'm not sure what else to say... Bob's a great guy... I was offered the role of course but had to turn it down cos I had to do jury duty in Farnham that week. Still - we got free lunch - and a lolly so I don't regret it...

James continues...

b) Do you feel he was a merely token bit of casting, especially considering the treatment of another large furry creature in Empire Strikes Back, when Luke cuts off the creature's arm?

Bob's casting as Chewy was hardly token casting - I mean - he is the main character... It's just a shame they brought in the whole Luke/Leia/Vader sub-plot which rather muddied the main plot. Until just a week before the film went out to the cinemas it was still known as CHEWY AND HAN GO ON HOLIDAY which I STILL think is a much better title. As far as the chopping off arm scene goes - that was nothing to do with George - he was asleep for most of that one and the majority of the picture was infact directed by Dr Smith and the Robot off Lost In Space. You heard it hear first... Caused a lot of bad feeling that did - and I refused to appear...

c) Do you feel George Lucas has a thing about furry creatures considering his constant use of wookies, ewoks and the like?

Do I think George has a thing about us... HA! Are you kidding? Do I ever... Bless him... He loves us... But I mustn't go into that... Let's just say he used to turn up on the set of Sesame Street JUST to feed Mr Snuffleuffigus peanuts twice a day... Bless him - Snuffy has a nut allergy as well... What a nightmare... Long story - can't go into it here...
d) On a separate note, do you feel that Cousin It gave a fully rounded and emotional performance in the Addams Family?
Did he ever... Awww. Not really a fair question for me to answer... We have history... We used to be very close but we don't growl much now... Still - I thought he was great - he should have gotten his own show... Last time I heard from him he was playing Yorik down at Stratford (not on Avon, the one at the end of the Jubilee line...)
Thanks James for your questions - I hope I helped...

Back to yesterday now...

If you recall I had just received an email from Fee's boss - a Dr Pyre who had just delivered me the following revelation...

Simon...

...From the sound of your email it would seem that Fee has inferred to you that she worked with me at my lab - this is not strictly true... It would be fairer to say that I work on her at the lab... She is an incredibly unique being Simon... I know you will find this hard to take in - but it does explain the fire at the flat...

Your friend Felicity is a Phoenix...

I SHOULD have guessed...

Hey - no laughing at the back there... I should have done...

I paused though - I wasn't sure quite what to do next... The Dr had left a phone number - I didn't ring it that moment but went to bed and then didn't sleep... But soon after 8.30 am - with no sign of Fee back at the flat - I did call...

"Dr Pyre... This is Simon... Simon Yeti... I mailed you and you - err - you mailed back..."

"SIMON!" he exclaimed, "I AV BEEN WAITING FOR YER CALL..."

He sounded rather like a mad professor - which isn't just me playing for laughs - he actually did sound like this...

"I wanted to talk to you about Fee... She turned up here - she's been staying with me for a few days now..."

"You are her pen-friend, huh... She mention you..."

"I've known her quite a while..." I explained, "But I never knew - well - any of the stuff you told me..."

"Ahh well - it eez a long story Mr Yeti... I must come to your flat and tell you - and bring Fee to safety... I have her address book here - you live in London, huh..."

"I do..." I hesitated for a moment, "She's not here though - not at the moment - she went missing yesterday..."

I was puzzling over the whole thing - concerned that maybe I shouldn't be speaking with Dr Pyre... I was just coming to terms with the fact that I didn't seem to know Fee well - but I certainly didn't know Pyre from Adam! That said it rather seemed as if Fee was a danger - she had burnt down the cinema - if she got cross with me I really wouldn't know how to deal with her...

"I'll be over... It may take me an hour or so - I'm presently in Oxford - I'll talk to you in greater detail when I arrive..."

The phone clicked off.

A shiver ran through me and yet in my head I felt a trifle woozy - almost drunk...

Dizzy...

Putting down the phone I headed for Fee's room... This time when I turned the door handle I could feel the heat burning my paw and yet I didn't let it stop me... I entered the room - my fur soaking with perspiration...

"BRING ME THE BOX..." I heard someone say - before realising that the voice was my own...

I reached down to where I had placed the box previously - lifting it up and peering inside once again...

The eggs were still there - but the shells seemed a deeper, darker red and I now realised that the heat was coming from the eggs themselves...

"BRING ME THE BOX..." the words were in my head now - and this time the voice was Fee's...

I carried the box to the window and drew open the curtains...

There she stood - out there in the garden - staring back at me...

It was the Fee and she was beckoning at me - beckoning me to join her out there... The Fee I thought I knew so well...

Except for one small difference...

She was on fire...

SIMON WILL POST AGAIN TOMORROW... STAY TUNED...

SIMON YETI IS MANAGED BY SHY YETI MANAGEMENT, COPYRIGHT BEECHES 2003.

2003-10-27T14:52:00.000Z

Yeti link of the day: http://www.phobe.com/yeti/index.html

I don't know what this is - OR what it does... So don't blame me if installing their software blows up your computer. It just looked - odd... And they mentioned Yetis and there's a nice piccie of one of the Banana Splits and a Wooky! So hey! Can't be all bad can it?

Afternoon Readers...

So... I'm back home... It's monday and... Had quite a busy weekend actually... It's all been rather odd... I have sorted out quite a few things with Fee... Things which I certainly didn't know all those years we've been writing... Things I certainly hadn't learnt when I last posted to you! It all began after I said goodbye...

Friday afternoon...

Matron was so pleased to get rid of me that she'd arranged that I'd be escorted from the building by skinheads carrying baseball bats... (Were these to beat off all my fans of which I only saw a couple of you! Hello boys! Or were they actually there to beat me up had I decided to turn around and come back inside...) Whichever she had arranged for Security to lock the doors firmly behind me once I'd gone...

Shy was waiting for me in a taxi and as we drove home he showed me a couple of jobs I'd been offered... One was for a sadistic "Big Brother" style revival of the old early 80s television quiz show "The Adventure Game" - although I used to enjoy the programme in it's original format (and was a big fan of talking aspidistras back then), I'm not sure it's really for me. They wanted me to scare people quite literally to death and I'm having no part in that. It sounds terribly cruel. Shy informs me that Margaret Thatcher and Timmy Mallett were also lined up for this so I doubt I'd have got it anyway. I was also offered something on Radio - but I tend not to do much Radio work these days cos I've put on a weeny bit of weight and last time I did I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again I got wedged in the doorway and the whole programme had to be recorded out in the car park.

Oh - and I have had a letter regarding my post from friday - from a Mr C Handler who says; "Loved the poems... Please post the one you mentioned about the werewolf... My best friend's dad is a werewolf and would be really keen to see this verse..."

I'm not so sure he will when he reads it - but I will post it all the same...

(HE WAS) JUST AN EVERYDAY WEREWOLF…

He was just an everyday werewolf…
It’s not something for which he was proud!
There are loads of regulations…
And swearing’s not allowed!!

He was just an everyday werewolf…
Let’s be blunt -
It is not a pleasant life!
He couldn’t get a mortgage! -
And accidentally ate his wife!
Being beastly after darkness -
Left him tired in the day…
And he looked a tad unshaven…
At the tills in C&A!
It is very inconvenient…
For such a guy to have a curse…
And our friend was vegetarian!
Which made it even worse!!!

He was just an everyday werewolf…
Let’s not pretend he was anything less…
The postman would not deliver -
To his current home address…
The milkman got the jitters…
The baker dropped his loaves!
The priest was low on silver bullets -
And had only garlic cloves!
It wasn’t very friendly…
“Love thy neighbour…” - it was not…
Always tried to kill away from home -
Though sometimes he forgot!

He was just an everyday werewolf…
It’s the truth - let’s not be coy…
Lycanthropy is SO unsocial!
Which was beginning to annoy…
Sadly, any moon shaped objects -
Would make the kid see red…
An orange or a grapefruit -
A shiny bald man’s head…
When he tried to set the vid-eo…
He’d come over kind of strange!
He was always missing Corrie…
I.T.V. caused him to change…

He was just an everyday werewolf…
So, let’s not gloss around the truth…
But one night he came a cropper -
Despite his sharpened tooth!
He was on his way home from the bingo…
When he felt peckish - though nearly back!
A passing traffic warden -
Seemed quite the perfect snack!
But alas she gave him his ticket and -
Then she swiftly Judo chopped…
Battered him dead with her clip board…
His werewolf days abruptly stopped!

He was just an everyday werewolf…
Met his death along the way…
Folk simply don’t like Were-beasts -
No matter what they say! :-)

COPYRIGHT SHY YETI - 2003 BEECHES PUBLICATIONS
FROM GO 4TH AND DIVIDE...

I do hope that nothing quite so violent happens to your friends Father, Mr Handler... Errr... Hope you enjoyed the poem anyway! Good moral to that one - there's a real message in there... Somewhere. Of course, werewolves do get a bad press I'll totally agree - some of my best friends are... actually - scrub that - the only werewolf I ever met tried to con me out of a battered sausage and I'd hardly call that the action of a friend.

So anyway... There we were in the taxi - heading back home past the Heath when I spotted something and called to the driver to slowdown...

It was Fee - and she seemed to be trying to climb up a tree and appeared to be in the process of stealing eggs from a nest...

For just a second I did consider jumping from the taxi and demanding to know what on earth she was up to... But I didn't... All of a sudden I felt myself becoming more and more concerned for the fate of my flat...

It was still there I am glad to say... Although I could tell she'd been moving things about...

Why hadn't she come to see me in hospital? Where had she been the night of the attack? What on earth had she been doing up that tree on Hampstead Heath?

I planned to ask her when she got home...

But that night there was no sign of her at all...

Saturday....

By saturday morning there was a complete change around...

I was up late - but there she was - Fee - dusting things... She was bright and breezy and jolly and - well - mostly as normal as she had been on her first day with me...

"Where have you been?" I asked her... "I've been in hospital! Didn't you see Mrs Mara's note..."

Fee looked a bit vague, "I couldn't read her handwriting - I thought she had written it in Swedish..."

I looked at her, disbelievingly - very hard and very crossly - but she wouldn't make eye contact, "BUt where have you been? I was worried..."

"I was at the cinema..." she replied matterof factly, "At a movie marathon..."

"For 5 DAYS!!!"

"Pretty much, yes... 4 days... I fell asleep - I was very tired..." I didn't know what to say... "I might go back later - try a different cinema..."

It seemed pretty darn unlikely - and yet something niggled in the back of my mind... Something I couldn't place... An article read in yesterday's paper whilst lounging around the hospital Rec room before being discharged.

"I went to see Calendar Girls and Kill Bill..." she was saying, "Would you like to join me?"

"No thank you..." I said...

Those two particular films made me a feel a little upset - no matter how good they might be. A friend and myself had sent in a draft for a film suspiciously similar to Calendar Girls - a story based on the true story of a group of Yetis on the Isle of Wight who had grouped together to produce a naked furry calendar for disadvantaged bears in Tanzania. I was told, when we sent in our first draft of the script that nobody would be interested... Seems he was wrong though... Odd how the two stories are so similar though - or am I just being ultra-cynical?!

As for Kill Bill - I actually had a cameo in that at one stage... Until I ended up on the cutting room floor - with another member of the cast... My fault I admit! I was drunk! Quentin got jealous and sacked me... Still it's his loss! I was to have been Yeti Grand Master who taught Uma's character (The Bride) tall the tricks she knew. There was also to have been another scene where I entered a break dancing contest with some ducks in Peking. Well it wasn't to be... You can just about see me in the scene where Uma dispatches Lucy Liu in the snowy garden scene - I'm there having a sleep by the water feature - but Quentin hadn't spotted me. I was totally off my head on Chop Suey and the snow had covered me up but you can just about spot my feet sticking out. Waiting til it comes out on DVD - it'll be easier to free-frame then, unless they paintbox me out now I've brought their attention to it...

One for the continuity experts, me thinks...

Anyway - back at my flat I waited for Fee to leave for the cinema before deciding on my actions... I took my spare key and went to her bedroom... Once inside it was like a sauna, once again - even more so than the first time I'd gone to speak with her. I had a few questions I needed answering and I wasn't going to get the answers from Fee herself...

I found her address book - I scribbled down a couple of numbers and it was whilst I was doing that that I found a small silk lined box - and in it I there were some eggs... They were a firey orange colour and warm to the touch... Whatever they were - whatever was contained they didn't look to me like any ordinary, everyday egg that one would find down at Tescos - let along in a tree on Hampstead Heath...

I'm no bird expert but I didn't think she'd be making omelettes with those...

Guiltily I replaced the box - sweating due to the sheer heat... Although I'd originally suspected that this was due to a faulty temperature gauge - having heard the verdict from the experts I was beginning to think that the whole problem was directly linked to Fee herself...

I sat down at the PC - I'd noted down a couple of email addresses...

One was her former flat mate...

One was her current boss...

Was I really going to mail them? Was I really going to spy on my friend... Fee - who I'd written to for years... Who I thought I knew so well and yet had never met...

It was then I caught sight of the local newspaper - the same paper I had been reading yesterday morning in the hospital... A paper with the headline...

MYSTERIOUS FIRE IN LOCAL CINEMA

It took me less than a minute to confirm that this, indeed, was the same cinema that Fee had been having her supposed "Movie Marathon..."

I had to be sure... I had to speak to her boss - her old flatmate... This story about the flat burning down - I had only heard her side of the story... What if she had been the one responsible... What if? But surely not... All the same - until I'd spoken to someone who knew her better than I did I couldn't help but point the finger... The bedroom - the flat fire - the cinema fire - her weird behaviour... It rather looked as if I was living with some kind of arsonist...

I had to know the truth...

Sunday...

I sat up late that night and well into Sunday morning... And yet Fee never returned from her afternoon trip to the cinema... (How many had she visited? Had any others been burnt to the ground? I had found no stubs to actually place her at the scene of the crime - I had no proof to implicate her in any wrong doing... Was I the mad one? Was I going loopy as a result of my fall onto the fleeing Kylie Impersonator...)

I was beginning to give up hope of any reply to my emails... I hadn't had the courage to phone them - but it was way past midnight - no-one would be sending emails at that time of the day...

Except they were...

The first reply came from her ex-flatmate...

Hi Tom, (I had written) I believe we have a mutual friend in one Felicity Nicks. She was staying with me recently and left her address book. I found your email address and wondered whether you had a contact address for her. I was very sorry to hear about the fire - how exactly did it happen - Fee never clearly explained it.

Simon Yeti x

Tom's reply was brief and to the point.

Simon,

I don't know where she is. She cleared off after the fire and the Police are still looking for her. I know she's a friend of yours - but she's to blame for all this damage - I wasn't even in the country at the time...

Tom

So I was right then... No wonder she was acting strangely...

My second reply came in seconds later - before I'd barely had time to take in the implications... No matter how surprised and unnerved I was to have my worries confirmed - I would never have predicted the news that arrived from her boss, Dr Pyre.

Dear Simon,

I am taking you into my confidence here. I urgently need to speak with you or meet you to discuss this matter. I have not seen Fee in weeks and we have been trying to find her ever since the fire at the flat she shared near to my laboratory... There is something I have to tell you and I don't like doing it here - but you must take this in and then call me immediately on 01876 658421 - especially if you have any idea as to her current whereabouts. From the sound of your email it would seem that Fee has inferred to you that she worked with me at my lab - this is not strictly true... It would be fairer to say that I work on her at the lab... She is an incredibly unique being Simon... I know you will find this hard to take in - but it does explain the fire at the flat...

Your friend Felicity is a Phoenix...

SIMON WILL POST AGAIN TOMORROW... STAY TUNED...

SIMON YETI IS MANAGED BY SHY YETI MANAGEMENT, COPYRIGHT BEECHES 2003.

2003-10-24T13:54:00.000+01:00

My Dear Readers...

I will have to be slightly brief with you today I'm afraid... I am about to transferred from the infernal hell hole back to civilian life and hence my time is rather limited. I have also been booted out of Matron Goerring's office despite the fact that she went off sick after exerting herself WAY too much yesterday! Bless her... So I am back on the crappy PCs in the Rec Room. Apologies for any typos today as well - no time to edit myself - just typing real quick and with my furry paws - that's a pretty mean feat.

As I may have indicated - this is going to be a short post. But as this is the case I promised Shy that I would pop a couple of his lovely poems in today to bulk things up a bit...

This is one of Shy's faves and I must say, one of mine too... The title is especially apt I think... :-)

FURRY FROM THE DEEP!!!

They had seen the first hint of invasion…
They had watched from the hills to the sea…
They had seen the space ship low descending…
As they gathered to watch at the quay…
The tides frothed with brutal intentions –
And a light scanned the oceans below…
The waters grew rougher and rougher –
And boiled with a fierce undertow!
In the town, by the quay – all was silent…
As the local’s knew not what to do…
On the beaches they waited – just watching…
What would become of them nobody knew!
The sky burst with storm high above them…
The light in the sea growing dim…
Judgement Day – close – had now come a-calling…
With a future that looked pretty grim…
But – just as soon as it started – concluded…
And the skies cleared a wondrous blue!
All eyes, though, were still on the waters…
For a sight of that U.F.O. crew…
For a time there was nothing – no movement…
The sea lay as calm as a pond…
But then suddenly – bubbles emerging…
With shapes rising up from the beyond…
There were screams – there were cries – there was horror!
As they watched the shapes moving beneath…
They were all visualizing a terror…
Twelve foot tall and with 16-inch teeth!
They imagined an army of beasties…
With a way gruesome glare in their eyes…
Cold-blooded and ready to eat them…
What emerged then was quite a surprise!
What emerged then was just not expected…
Not an alien hulk – tooth and claw…
The reaction not more cries or screaming…
Just a loud and affectionate…
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!
They weren’t ugly like Frankenstein’s Monster -
Or some horrible blood sucking THING!
For in truth they were actually quite lovely!
Pink and fluffy like rabbits in spring!
As the creatures came slowly towards them –
The Vicar’s wife let out a hoot!!
“Oh how sweet!” she was heard then to mutter…
“They’ve got dimples! How terribly cute!!!”
The reaction was echoed by others…
These new beings looked cuddly – like bears!
The Villagers began waving now – gaily!
Relieved and relaxed – without cares!
Caught up in excitement they revelled!
The Locals not fearing their fate…
“Alien invasions can be rather jolly!”
THEY ALL SAW THE BIG GUNS JUST TOO LATE!!!

How quaint... But they can be like that - alien's you know...

There are a few others I could post and may well do over the next week or so. One I especially adore involves a Werewolf - but there is another which mentions a Yeti - so I think we'll slot that in at the end of this.

May I just say - whilst I still remember - that I'd like to thank all those of you who wrote in to say how much you enjoyed my last two solo postings. (Since we retired poor Shy... Awww!) I had a lovely letter saying how much yesterday's posting was especially enjoyable. Thank you for that, mum...

Yesterday's posting was, of course, the one where I answered a lot of your questions about Dr Who...

Steve M of Oxford had a few problems with his server at work which inferred that there might have been bad language included... (Not deliberately I'll assure you...) Having finally got a chance to read my words of wisdom he posted Shy the following comment...

Read all about your hairy friend. Couldn't spot any profanity.

Seems he's something of a celebrity in certain circles. Are they genuine questions emailed in?

Loved the understated Sharon Stone reference!

Thank you Steve, if I could just answer you here... I am hairy - and I am Shy's friend - but the name is Simon - Sir to you. But we'll let your casualness go by unpunished just this once! (GRRR! I'm joking!) A celebrity? I couldn't possibly comment... You obviously don't watch much television, fella. With the price of housing being so inflated in the Oxford area I can understand that. Get yerself a little portable maybe? huh? Bless him... He's probably too young to have seen me at my best... Are they genuine questions? OF COURSE! Was yours? Of course it was...

Keep taking the tablets love... Don't go watching that Sharon Stone scene too many times just to try and spot me - you'll get square eyes - or a slap round the chops from Ms Stone. Awwww. He is trying to understand... You can see it in his eyes - but things just aren't quite connecting yet are they... Well Steve - let me just say - you'll get there eventually... Awwww. I'm sure he's very nice really. Infact I know he is - he's my accountant. :-) Cheque's in the post, Mr! ;-)

Well now... Time is getting on but I reckon there is still time for me to recommend a link... So here we go...

http://www.yakandyeti.com/

This is a site that advertises are rather endearingly named hotel HOTEL YAK AND YETI in Kathmandu, Nepal. I have never been there myself - being that I am an Isle Of Wight born and bred furry critter - but if I ever go to that part of the world then you can be assured that this is where I'll be checking in. I must say the rooms do look really rather lovely and there is mention of mini-bar and a television which shows BBC television. Isn't it nice to know that one can go away and yet still have the opportunity of watching Kilroy and all the other quality tv that's made on the Station. Whenever they get around to making some...

Which reminds me - I have an audition - but it's not for at least a week or so... Not BBC this time - but I'm rather excited because it's Corrie!!! I had a bit part back in '75 as a novelty bra that Pat Phoenix wore for a couple of episodes - but since then, well - our paths just haven't crossed. Maybe they were worried that people would recognise me. Still! Seems they're keen to get me for this particular part - as Fred Eliot's long lost brother, Ern. How fab is that! As I say - I do have to audition but they said the part is mine... My good pal Cribbins tipped me off of course... He is a treasure. Shame though - I don't think I'll get to work with him. He was playing a character quite recently but I think that storyline has come to an end now... Last time I worked with him was on Jack-a-nory... He read Peter And The Wolf and I did the growling noises off camera...

Oh - and I was offered a Panto this year - but I really don't fancy it... I don't think I'm reduced to that sort of thing yet - and I wouldn't want anyone thinking I was doing quite so badly - what with my application still pending for the part of The Doctor. The Panto itself was JACK AND THE BEANSTALK and I think Una Stubbs and darling Wayne Sleep were involved somewhere along the way - but it really wasn't me. Bless them - they even offered to change the title to YETI AND THE FURSTALK but I suggested that perhaps that might get the show and X-rating and turned down the offer.

I DO hope I've made the right decision... Panto is reasonable work if you want a regular income over the Christmas Period - but I prefer to go away during the festive season. You know - Lake District - scaring walkers by lumbering out of bushes at them...

Anyway - let you know more on that as I hear it...

I really am going to have to nip off in a minute - I think my taxi has arrived and I haven't even packed. Planning on taking it easy this weekend. Heard NOT A WORD from Fee. So I'm going to have to give her a pretty good talking to. I don't understand what she's playing at... She must know I've been ill... I do hope she's okay...

I promised you another one of Shy's poems - this is the one that mentions the Yeti in it...

I shall leave you to enjoy and promise you and bumber issue post on monday, detailing any excitements that have occurred over the weekend.

Take care and have fabulous fun dear people.

Cyas.

Si xxx

EXIT, PURSUED BY A YETI.

Exit, pursued by a Yeti!!
Exit, pursued by a Bear!!
And not a pleasant one neither -
But one with bad teeth and no hair!!
Exit pursued by a Mongoose!! -
All moody, with mad staring eyes…
One you’d not trust with your Granny!
One who tells huge whopping lies!!

Exit pursued by a Kitten!!
Soft and furry, but sharp as cut glass…
Being chased by a three-legged Camel!! -
Who does tricks for the tourists who pass…
Exit pursued by prized rhubarb!! -
In a coating of lightly fried cheese…
Pursued by a Troll in an Igloo!! –
Who resides in my neighbour’s deep freeze…

Exit, pursued by a Wombat!! -
But a small one that bats for both sides!
Nearly squashed by a chain-smoking Cyclops!! -
And a knife-welding pack of Girl Guides!!
You’re pursued – never-endingly hounded…
By odd beasts who might eat you for lunch!!
It is nice to be loved so and wanted… -
But not when fame comes with a crunch!!

Exit, pursued by a Yeti…
Exit, pursued by a Bear…
Exit pursued by a Mongoose…
From it’s sinister underground lair!
Exit pursued by a Kitten…
One with no love for its mother –
Lock them all in a cupboard together…
And with luck they might kill one another!!!

FURRY FROM THE DEEP and EXIT, PURSUED BY A YETI are COPYRIGHT BEECHES PUBLICATIONS, 2003. BOTH are from Shy Yeti's 4th Collection: GO 4TH & DIVIDE... Information about how to purchase copies of this and other examples of his work can be found on his website: www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.com

SIMON YETI IS MANAGED BY SHY YETI MANAGEMENT, COPYRIGHT BEECHES 2003.

2003-10-23T17:02:00.000+01:00

Yeti link of the day: http://www.pbs.org/edens/bhutan/a_migo.htm

More interesting tales of alternative Yeti culture... :-)

Afternoon Readers...

I shan't be waffling on as much today as usual - as I'm sure you'll remember I am still laid up in hospital but expect to be set free tomorrow. Still no visit from Fee and I even asked Mrs Mara to pop down to leave her a message. Well, she did - but there was no sign of Fee...

I apologise for posting late... It's been a bit hectic at the mo...

I'm really not getting on at all well with Matron Goerring - she either recognises me off telly or fancies me or both. She keeps peeping around the curtains when I'm changing and has tried to take my temperature (with a cucumber) at least 7 times today... There's a lot more I could tell you - but I'll save that for when I'm discharged... I have other things to get done today!

Let me see... Enough of this - I'm here to answer your questions... I have a number here - if there are any I leave out then I'm quite happy to answer some more at a later date... Let me just say - not ALL the questions are Who related... But that's not a problem... Diversity is GOOD! Still nothing back from the Beeb by the way - re: whether they want me to screen test for the lead in the new series... Anyway...

Quick links to my stories : http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/doctorwho/episodeguide/abominablesnowmen/
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/doctorwho/episodeguide/weboffear/

Question Number 1 is from a gentleman named Stephen - who I gather is rather a big fan of the series... Let's see if I can't help him with his enquiry...

1. a. I was wondering if Simon Yeti could cast some light over the proposed third and final Yeti tale for Season 6, which never actually occurred...

Ahhh yes! I remember it well... Well I don't cos it didn't happen - but you know what I mean! I believe it concerned the Yeti's being invaded by Turkish Drag-artistes who needed some Great Intelligence to devise a new format for their act... I THINK that's what the story was... OR maybe it was just another of my rather bizarre dreams...

Still - sounds promising either way - but maybe a bit advanced for the late 60s. I believe Mick Jagger was to have been cast as a nun with Marianne Faithful as Yeti Number 2 who had a obsessive compulsion for Mars Bars. I'm not sure QUITE where the Doctor was to have become involved - but I vaguely recall the infamous "Dance of the 7 Veils Scene" and that Troughton had been practising for that almost to perfection before they pulled the script.

b. Is it true this was set in the Highlands?

Errr. No... I believe it was Margate. With some O.B. work in Clacton.

c. How are his relations with the writers of both of his stories? ;-)

Merv and Henry were just EXCELLENT. They were such fabulous professionals - never got the credit they deserved. A lot of people at the BBC never realised that before writing anything they visited real Yeti communities in Portsmouth and Scunthorpe... And the lines... What a scream!!

Do any of you remember the Yeti that appeared in episode One of Web Of Fear - in the museum? Wasn't the characterisation marvellous - I SO wanted that role - but my friend Tarquin got it in the end... All that grrrring and growling - had me in fits... The Galton and Simpson of Yeti writing... I mean you can't see it now cos the tapes don't exist - but some of the Yeti lines in the later episodes - some of the facial acting - pure Victoria Wood it was...

"GROWWWWWLLLLLL!"

"GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOF"

"WOOOOOF?"

"YEAH - NO - I MEAN GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR..."

It still brings tears to my eyes - how the team coped with us with lines like that... Frazer Hines was so envious! Of course the guys did my one man show back in the early 70s... ARE WE THERE, YETI???? Oh - that was a hoot... It was actually rather like those Alan Bennett Talking Heads things - monologues... He copied us actually, bless him - but he did it so well... I had to wear a tutu - it was wonderful... Course I was off my head on Sherbet Dibdabs in those days... It was the 70s... Bowie and I were VERY GOOD friends. Awww..... Happy times!

Question Number 2 is from a gentlemen known only as Jimbo and he asks me the following...

2. What do you wash your fur with? Lavender and ylang ylang conditioner is the word on the street...

Well I don't like to give away all my secrets - but yes - lavender and ylang ylang is involved along the way - as is the blubber of BBC children's presenters and mud from the Blue Peter Garden. And no it wasn't me who vandelised it all those years back... Some of what keeps me looking so good is just natural Yeti good genes - a healthy love life also contributes, but of course a good deal of it is just five hours hard work down the BBC bar of a lunchtime...

Our third question comes from a Mr A. Townsend of London who says...

3. I have very much been enjoying the escapades of Simon Yeti, and thank Shy for making us aware of them. I would ask Simon a question or two...

a. Is he a native of Tibet who emmigrated?

I actually did emmigrate. My family come from the Isle of Wight and I made the trip across the Solent in the late 50s. Although, by human terms I am well into my 60s by now - that in Yeti years is still very young... Most of us live to be well into our 500s! :-) I'm still a babe... (As I'm occasionally told by flirty bearded ladies in Soho!)

b. Are there any famous people who are really Yeti but keep it a secret that he knows of?

Benny from ABBA was probably the most famous. There are a few others but I'm not sure I should tell you... Dame Nelly Melba was born a Yeti but had the treatment cos it was rather frowned upon in those days... Oh - and Whigfield. Bizarrely.

c. What is the best way to remove persistant stains from fur coats? My faux fur wrap is looking a little bedraggled these days ;c)

Black paint. That's the way I deal with stains. Just paint the coat black or alternatively dye it a dark blue. Careful not to brush up against people if you paint it though cos it takes a while to dry...

My 4th Question comes from a Mr I Mansfield from Folkestone. Infact he wrote directly to me so I have included the full transcript...

4. Dear Mr Yeti,

I have been reading your online blog with interest for a few days now, and I've been fascinated by all the tales from your Doctor Who days. I'm currently in training as a bear keeper and I have a question regarding fur. I know that Yeti's, like bears, do occasionally have trouble keeping their fur looking in tip-top shape, and I was just wondering about your time on Doctor Who. Did you ever end up with singed or burnt fur, you know, what with all those dodgy looking pyrotechnics flying about on set? If so, how did you deal with the problem, just in case I ever encounter the same problem during my bear apprenticeship.

Also, I'd be grateful of any more fur-care tips if you have any.

Best wishes,

Ian Mansfield (trainee bear keeper)

Thank you Ian... Well - I think I've given over a few tips earlier when Jimbo asked about fur - but I will tell you a bit about what to do with singed or burnt fur... In my own experience all I did was sneak up on a commuter on the Underground - mainly long haired women or hippies and I took a pair of scissors and stole some of their hair and then patched it over my own burnt or singed Yeti fur. Sometimes it gave a rather patchwork effect - but overall it was quite successful.

I do recall a time when we were filming in the Underground during Web of Fear when they forgot to stop the trains and we all got run over... How we laughed... But afterwards we cried too quite a bit cos it was all rather painful.

Still - none of this was as bad as what happened to my friend Marty the Mutant who had a bit of spaceship fall on him. Also - Bruce who played the character of Morbius in the 1976 Brain Of Morbius story found himself set on fire in one scene and he hasn't worked since... In those days - as long as they got the shots they wanted - there was no life insurance to fall back on if you were a monster artiste...

Thankfully things have changed. Last year I singed 12 whiskers whilst making an episode of the dreadful "My Family" - but was compensated £12.50 in damages. Thank goodness it's not like it was in the 60s and 70s that's all I can say! Good luck to you Ian in your bear-keeping... Bears are rather more wooly than Yeti's and tend to try and eat people - but otherwise can be very generous and loving to work with...

Question Number 5 comes from a Mr Ceri Laing who makes the following comment...

"I'm enjoying the adventures in the artistic world of Mr. Yeti, very insightful!"

Thankyou, Sir. Ceri passes on his appreciation of what we have been posting and poses the following questions...

5. a. Did Simon have anything to do with the Nigel Kneale 'The Creature' BBC serial from the 50s, which was an inspiration for The Abominable Snowmen and starred Peter Cushing.

Alas no. Although I think my Auntie Jean may well have been an influence... Ceri also adds;

...I suppose he was too young...

CHARMER!!! ;-) Not at all - but I was still living in the Isle of Wight during the 50s - infact I was probably still at Fur College...

...Maybe he knew the actors who were involved or maybe he was involved in the later film version which also starred Cushing.

As I say, Auntie Jean was quite probably an influence - as for the film - I wasn't involved because I believe I was auditioning for a presenter role on Blue Peter and missed out... Of course I had hoped to work with Nigel and am a big fan of all his Quatermass work, Year Of The Sex Olympics and Stone Tapes but then I rather lost respect for him when he started slagging off Dr Who. Admittedly Who did rather steal from his work - but - well - I was protective of my work there then - before I realised they'd erased most of it, that is!!! Anyway - I did audition for the role of Kinvig but didn't get that - and after that - well - the opportunity never arose again...

b. Come to think of it has Simon had any major film roles or any gossip/anecdotes he could share with us about the film stars he may have worked with?

Ummm. The list is endless - I was the dog in Digby The Biggest Dog In The World and I donned a cartoon costume to play the Dragon in Pete's Dragon... I was also Sharon Stone's stunt double for a certain scene in Basic Instinct... Maybe another time I'll be able to talk more about some of my other roles - but I fear I'm running out of space and I can see Matron waving frantically to gain my attention. (I gave up on the PCs in the Rec room and have locked myself in her office to get this posting done...) As for anecdotes... Well I remember the time I was mistaken for Audrey Hepburn on the set of My Fair Lady... I was stoned and didn't know what the heck I was doing cos I'd been out all night with Caine and Connery and... Well, anyway - we'd been filming 5 days before they realised Audrey had locked herself in the Ladies Lav all week... What a scream... They weren't half cross...

Time for a couple more... I think Matron is calling the orderlies to come in and break the door down... Quick-quick... I'm not sure who sent these two in and I haven't time to find out...

6. Is it true that John Levene who later played Sergeant Benton appeared in The Web Of Fear as a Yeti... What was it like having him inside you?

I don't really understand this question... I don't believe we've actually worked together in quite that capacity... You must mean a Yeti costume - which I am not - being an actual real life Yeti n all... A chap in a Yeti costume rings a bell now I think of it... Ahhh... I do believe that was a prank arranged by Frazer and Patrick. There was a Yeti amongst our ranks who was infact played by a gentleman in a Yeti suit... He was very convincing - and I didn't find out about it until my Sister made a pass at him at the after production party. (My sister Suzie worked in make-up for that show and my brother Derek had a stint in the Radiophonic Workshop...)

7. Is it true that Roger Daltrey would dress Sea lions up to resemble Diana Dors, just for a giggle...

Errr - I think we're talking about the wrong WHO here... But yes - he did... Ah well... That's my time run out now... Matron has grabbed one of the orderlies by the legs and is running him towards the door like a human battering ram... That has SO gotta hurt....

BAAAAANGGGGGGG! CRAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

Nasty... More questions soon my darlings and thank you SO much for your interest. Should be outta this place by tomorrow!

More then... Bye loves!!!

Si xx.

SIMON WILL POST AGAIN TOMORROW... STAY TUNED...

SIMON YETI IS MANAGED BY SHY YETI MANAGEMENT, COPYRIGHT BEECHES 2003.

2003-10-22T13:23:00.000+01:00

Dear Readers...

I am writing to you directly today because things have taken rather a peculiar turn and suddenly I find myself with time on my hands and not a lot else to occupy my self... As you may remember - the last mail posted found me stuck in my flat with a rather batty Kylie-influenced stalker at my door...

WHAT - A - NIGHTMARE!!!!!!!

I could hear the footsteps out there on the landing - but I didn't dare look through the spy-hole for fear of what I might see... Perhaps it was Fee, I mused - perhaps the stalker WAS FEE! I shook my head and tried to stop myself quietly panicking... I'd already caught sight of the note pinned to the fridge...

WILL BE AWAY OVER NIGHT - SEE YOU TOMORROW... FEE xx

So there was no hope of rescue from my lodger and meanwhile my whistling stalker was still outside the door - the Neighbours theme tune had never sounded so sinister...

"Okay Yeti..." I told myself, "You can do it... Stand up for yourself why don't you?"

I gulped - grabbed a salami from the fridge and headed for the door - ably armed or at least with a nice snack if all else failed...

"Just open the door..." I continued, "Attack him with your salami - batter the bugger to the ground and make sure he's not got any exclusive Kylie merchandise on his person... You're a Yeti... You can do it..."

And then I heard another voice...

"No you can't Simon... Don't be silly... You have about as much chance of success as you have of bedding the England Rugby team..."

It was my inner monologue - the voice of my inner scaredy cat...

"Stand up to him!" responded my more butch side - but I could barely here him now.

"Don't be a fluffy headed fool..." exclaimed my cowardly (sensible??) side...

And in the end it was this inner ninny that I sucuumbed to...

"Just call the Police..." I said aloud, "You'll be fine if you call them... Just explain as calmly as possible how you've got a rather batty stalker trying to sing at you - dressed up, badly, as Kylie Minogue... They must get this sort of thing all the time..." I wasn't convinced - but I tried...

I should have known better - the guy who answered my call was about as helpful as the taxi driver I'd encountered on the way to the video shoot...

"A stalker you say..." parrotted the Duty Officer, "...Dressed as Ms Minogue..."

"Yes! ...And he's outside my door at this very moment singing the theme tune from Neighbours in a very suspicious manner..."

"Is he, Sir?"

"Yes..."

"...And what did you say your name was?"

"Yeti..." I replied, "Simon Yeti..."

"Ahhh... Like the folk group..."

"NO OFFICER - AS IN THE FURRY GROWLY OFF DR WHO TYPE OF YETI..."

Silence...

"Dr Who you say... But I thought those guys were all in costume..."

"NOT AT ALL OFFICER... NOW PLEASE!!!"

"Alright... Alright... I heard you..." he sounded cross, "So you've been on telly have you? I think I may remember..."

I didn't give him a chance to nostalge - but blurted out my home address and then rung off hastily - if the Police couldn't help then maybe someone else could!

"Yeti... Everybody needs good Yeti..." sung the stalker outside my door. "Let me in Mr Yeti... Let me in, my lover... It's your very own Kylie-wylie out here - ready to come in and dance for you..."

"Not today THANKYOU!!!"

But my new admirer wasn't taking no for an answer, "I'm spinnin' around - my lover..." came the only reply.

Ignoring such surreal behavious I tried phoning the Furamarama boys - I tried calling Shy, Mrs Mara and even a dial-a-pizza line - but everyone seemed to be way-way in the land of nod...

I was running out of time!

CRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

My stalker was trying to force an entry... Something rather heavy and rather axe-like had just collided with my front door...

My mind worked swiftly and maybe stupidly - going for a two pronged attempt to secure a rescue... There was no fire exit from my flat - however there was a window... We were a fair few floors up - but it was my only hope... That and the karaoke machine in the corner...

CRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

Another attempt - the top of the door nearly gave way at the hinges - but it hadn't, yet, totally buckled - I still had a minute or two...

I shoved on the first CD I could find - whacked up the volume - chose a track and pressed play... Holding tight to the microphone I pulled open the curtains - shoved up the window and began to clamber out onto the ledge outside... The CD player was still whirring into life and initialising the accompanying words to the tune. I hoped that in my panic I hadn't picked the wrong song; "THE ONE THAT I WANT..." was the track before my intended choice and not the sort of message that I wanted to be sending out to my stalker... The track after mine was "WELCOME HOME..." by Peters and Lee, which again was slightly inappropriate. Seeing as there wasn't a tune called, "HELLO - MY NAME IS SIMON YETI AND I'M BEING STALKED BY A KYLIE MINOGUE IMPERSONATOR..." I was hoping that the tune I was about to sing-a-long to was the correct one... My singing cranked up loud enough to alert the authorities - or at least somebody who would come and help me...

CRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

The music suddenly exploded over the sound of the splintering door...

"HEELP! I NEED SOMEBODY! HEELP! NOT JUST ANYBODY! HEELP! I REALLY NEED SOMEONE! HEEEEEELLLLLP...."

Then I was on my own... My voice booming around the room and around the whole neighbourhood... I'm not as good as my brother Eric who was in Eurovision, but I like to think I can hold a tune... I gave it my best shot...

"HEEELP! I'M BEING ATTACKED BY KYLIE!!! HEEELLPP! BUT NOT THE AUTHENTIC KYLIE!!! HEEELLLLPP!! I COULD REALLY DO WITH SOME POLICE ASSISTANCE! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!"

I kept singing - my furry feet almost slipping on the dainty window ledge... I could only vaguely hear the splintering wood of my front door being decimated and certainly couldn't tell either way if the noise was actually scaring the stalker away or whether he was coming closer - towards the window... If he did - if he tried to grab the microphone then I'd let go and jump - anything than fall into the evil clutches of my Cornish/faux Antipodean chum!

"HEEEELLLP! OI YOU - SLEEPY PEOPLE!! HEEELLLP!! WAKE UP AND BLOODY HELP ME!! HELLP!! I REALLY NEED A MATTRESS!! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!"

It seemed to be doing the job - lights were coming on in houses all over the street... I could hear sirens too...

"QUICK FETCH A BLANKET..." I heard someone call out, "A VERY BIG BLANKET... HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO FALL..."

"I won't..." I was about to say - but for the first time I really began to feel the cold night air... Someone reached out through the window for my leg and the music stopped... I wasn't to know it then that this was Mrs Mara trying to pull me back to safety - I naturally thought it was the stalker and I tried to get away...

...AND THEN I DID SLIP... INFACT I LOST MY FOOTING ALL TOGETHER... I FELL...

The last thing I saw before I blacked out was the face of Ms Minogue...

(THANK GOD IT WASN'T THE REAL ONE!!!!)

The long and the short of it is that when I fell - I actually fell and totally fortunately landed on the stalker who was trying to make his escape - and it was all the fluffy plummage from the boa on his costume that broke my fall - that and the scary gent himself...

"Don't worry..." the Police informed me, "You'll not see his like again... They carted him off to Windcliff - the clinic for mentally disturbed popstar impersonators..."

He was lucky I hadn't killed him...

"He's not dead - but he's very badly squashed... His name was Anthony and he's about 2ft tall since you fell on him... Serves the bugger right..."

It's amazing how one's adoration for a singer can sometimes lead to such extreme acts of violence... I don't suppose I'll ever know quite why I was targetted... Not unless he escapes from Windcliff and tries to hunt me down again... Another good reason to hate Sequels... Oh! Hell - if he shows up I'll just have to fall on him again - but harder next time - whilst wearing concrete boots - and a filing cabinet...

YAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWN!!!! I'm tired now... I should be resting... I've really ought to make my current situation rather more clearer than I have so far...

I'm in hospital - in my own private room... It's amazing what you can pay for with Supermarket Loyalty cards these days... I'm a bit bruised but nothing more - mild dose of shock and a bit of frost bite on my Yeti bits - but I'm expecting to be discharged on Friday. I arrived here as the sun was rising - slept til mid morning - spoke with the Police - spoke with Mrs Mara who brought with her my laptap - and here I am now... I'm having to type upside down cos when I fell I landed on my behind - so I can't do sitting down very comfortably just at the minute... Still no sign of Fee - folk have been trying to contact her but she's not been to visit yet...

Matron is waving at me again - either she fancies me (I think she does) or she wants to take another nap...

Anyway before I go - just wanted to add that - as I'll be laid up til Friday I'll be answering all the questions that I have been sent by readers in my posting tomorrow...

Oh - last thing... A bunch of flowers arrived earlier... After how I spoke to her on the phone the other day I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised...

SORRY ABOUT THE TROUBLE SIMON - FANS EY!? BOO HOO WE DIDN'T GET TO WORK TOGETHER PROPERLY - MAYBE ANOTHER TIME... Kxxx PS I COULD BE SO GOOD FOR YOU - LOVE YOU LIKE YOU WANT ME TOO...

Actually I made the last bit up... The only tv station you can get here in hospital is UK GOLD and they're having a Minder day... Oh - and they've got a Best Of Who Night on Thursday which I'm sure will only end up annoying me because they won't use any of my stories...

I'm not sure if the flowers were from Kylie herself or whether they were just sent by her management. She's a busy lady after all...

There was a real PS on the telegram - it wasn't exactly the sort of thing I need to hear - it read...

PS BAD NEWS - THE YANKS WANT A MORE UPBEAT VIDEO FOR THE NEW SINGLE SO I'M AFRAID YOUR BITS HAVE BEEN SCRAPPED AND BEING REFILMED WITH EWOKS... SORRY!!!

As long as I get paid...

PPS AS A RESULT YOU WON'T GET PAID IN REAL MONEY - ONLY IN SWEETIES...

Life's a bastard sometimes, isn't it...

(((SIGH)))

Oh well - more from me tomorrow...

Take Care,

Regards,

Simon Yeti xx

SIMON WILL BE ANSWERING ALL YOUR WHO RELATED QUESTIONS TOMORROW...

SIMON YETI IS MANAGED BY SHY YETI MANAGEMENT, COPYRIGHT BEECHES 2003.

2003-10-21T10:38:00.000+01:00

Site Of The Day: http://www.rfthomas.clara.net/bigfoot.html BIGFOOT... Fact Or Fantasy??

Errrr - you decide! All the usual problems/urban-myths... No attempt to track any of us down in London and ask our side of things! YAWN! YAWN! YAWN!

Hi Fella!

It's about 2.30 am tuesday morning... Not sure what time I'll post this on to you... I'm a bit jittery...

The stalker is back and I'm by myself (GOD KNOWS where Fee has got to - I don't think she's been in all day...) I did try to call you but there is no reply so you are probably in the land of nod - or Ned - or whatever the fella's name is...

Anyway... I can't sleep so I'll just keep typing and get to the recent events eventually, no doubt... It's a long story - I'll get there - but first I should tell you about the filming, whilst it's still fresh in my mind...

I was late for a start... It was all the taxi drivers fault...

"Don't take animals in the taxi... Certainly not ones who talk..." said the driver when he pulled up outside my flat about an hour or so before I was due to be in Greenwich.

"Animals!?!" I said, "I don't HAVE any animals with me..."

"I'm not bothered whether you have any with you - I'm bothered that you're some sort of beast yourself mate..."

"A BEAST!!!" I exclaimed, "I AM NO BEAST!!!"

"Yeah - you trying to tell me you're a hippy? I've had hippies in my car before and they don't leave fluff in my backseat... You're one of them Wookies or something aren't you..."

"A what..."

"Off Star Wars..."

I was lost for words - to be fair my fur does sometimes shed a little and it can be a bit of a pain to hoover up but... "I am NOT a Wookie..." I said, but by then was realising how time was getting on, "It's a fancy dress costume..." I lied. "The fur doesn't come out..." Before I had a chance to say anymore he reached out and tugged at my fur - which made me cry out, "HOW DARE YOU!!" I screamed - before realising that I had probably given myself away.

"That fur's REAL... See ya fluffy..." snorted the taxi driver and with that he closed the window and pulled away...

WELL REALLY! I ASK YOU... THE CHEEK OF THE MAN...

It started to rain at about this point and I ended up muddling my way to Greenwich by bus...

"YOU'RE LATE!!!" scoulded the make-up lady,"...AND WET..."

I was so cold and damp and disgusted that I couldn't be bothered to argue. Sure enough I was soaked and she set about me with a hair drier which caused my fur to frizz up again, very much as it had done on friday. It was at around this point that I learnt the bad news...

KYLIE WASN'T THERE!!! :o-(

I was inconsolable... The tunnel was cold and wet and I kept getting dripped on... Stuck down the foot tunnel with the camera crew and a load of old drunks who thought I was Billy Connelly. No Kylie because she was filming her bits elsewhere - not even Will... (I was to learn later that they'd mocked up a gorgeously cosy tunnel in the studios for her - where as I was expected to film on location...)

We DID the filming sure enough but only close ups of me lumbering around... The whole thing was a fiasco... The director was a fool and insisted on playing West Life singles through the speaker system, "To get you all in the mood..."

"What sort of mood would that be?" I mumbled...

"On the verge of spewing..." muttered one of the technicians - and he had a point...

After a number of hours of splashing around, during the tea break I heard the caterer ask, "Does the Yeti take sugar?"

I stormed up to her and said, "No - the Yeti doesn't take sugar... The Yeti would prefer a scotch on the rocks or failing that maybe a lemon tea..."

The catering lady looked at me with a fear I've not seen on anyone's face since I lost my footing and nearly fell on Frazer Hines on a hilltop in Wales. DOES THE YETI TAKE SUGAR!!! She seemed to have gotten into her head that I was some circus animal that couldn't speak up for itself! How humiliating... Of course, she apologised and went to make me a drink - but it wasn't her who returned with it - but a gentleman called Steve who looked very stern and displeased with me. I asked after the lady but was told that she had gone home "Cos of her nerves..." After that no-one spoke to me very much... Made me feel like such an old bully... But REALLY!!!

There was a stunt woman there in the tunnels too who was doing all the Kylie-running shots - but that was the nearest I got to working with the lady herself... And I still don't know whether I actually spoke to her in the studios last friday... I must say I WAS terribly disappointed - especially after she left that lovely message on my answer phone the other day...

So - it was all rather a damp squib I'm afraid... I'm not needed for any more scenes apparently and the whole idea that I might be needed to be Kylie's love interest in this video is just a distant hope that has now been banished...

But then things got worse...

...

Sorry... Just having another look out the window... Some rather alarming things have occurred since the filming was completed... I have been a very foolish Yeti...

Anyway - it had stopped raining... There I was - got the Night bus back home because there was no way any taxis were going to pick me up... I was walking back towards my house down some of the side streets (I am about 5-10 minutes walk from the nearest bus stop) - it was getting rather misty and suddenly I notice that I'm being followed... Followed by a little lady with curly hair who is whistling the theme tune to "Neighbours..."

My Kylie stalker... One of the "clones" from last friday!

Well, of course I put on a bit of a spurt - because "she" was moving pretty quick (I reckon it's a he after the figure I saw waiting outside my flat the other night - no way was that a lady!)

"Neighbours... Everybody needs good neighbours..." the Kylie was singing - and it was then I noticed the Cornish accent again...

Then of course it clicked... The caller the other day hadn't been Kylie at all but the stalker! OH MY GOODNESS...

So I really high-tailed it and must have looked a proper sight by the time I reached the flat... But I was home...

Of course, by now I was petrified... I was intending to ask Fee's advice - but, of course, as I've said - she was nowhere to be found... Looking down to the street there was no sign of my pursuer - but I can't really say it filled me with much confidence... I considered ringing the Police when the phone rang again...

"HELLO!?!"

"Hello darling... Just calling to see how you got on this evening... Was hoping to catch you at the set but you'd left... Will and I are having a little party and we just wondered who..."

"WHO IS THIS!?!" I barked.

"KYLIE DARLING..."

"OH REALLY..." I said sarcastically, "And since when has Kylie been CORNISH!?! Leave me alone - take a hike lady - you're not a patch on the original..."

I slammed down the phone...

I was shaking by this point...

Can you believe it?

Anyway - so I've just sat down here and been writing this and... and... now it has just occurred to me that the two callers weren't the same...

The Kylie who called up tonight didn't actually sound Cornish at all! OH MY GOD...

WHAT HAVE I DONE! I THINK I JUST TOLD KYLIE TO "TAKE A HIKE..."

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!!!

...

There's that noise outside again...

It's the stalker - I'm sure of it...

I can hear the Neighbours theme tune again but now it seems to have taken on a more sinister tone...
Oh my goodness... There's a noise out on the stairwell... Sounds rather like somebody breaking in or something... Coming up towards my flat... Don't panic now... Just ring the Police - just tell them you've got a stalker who dresses (badly) like Kylie... Just tell them - phone them now and they'll be able to help...

I should be so lucky...

*** Post ends without usual farewell...

Simon Yeti HOPEFULLY posts again soon... WATCH THIS SPACE...

SIMON YETI IS MANAGED BY SHY YETI MANAGEMENT, COPYRIGHT BEECHES 2003.

2003-10-20T12:12:00.000+01:00

Hi Fella!

Today's the day I do some running down corridors (plodding more like!)... But more on that later...

You never told me you were posting up my musings! ;-) I stumbled across the site cos it was linked to one of the forums I'm a member of... Really Shy, you could at least tell me... Then I bumped into dear Tom B at the weekend and when he saw me he said, "Ahhh... Love the site, Yeti..." he said and then offered me a jelly baby... Very nice of him. Lucky I'd seen what you'd done by then or I'd have looked a right fool... I think you've done an alright job - get my name known in wider circles - let folk know I'm back and not only looking for work as heavies... I am perfectly capable of tackling Hamlet and I hope you've sent my CV off to Kenny Branagh.

Anyway... As I say, I'm perfectly happy for you to post my ramblings - and also the suggestion you made in your email this morning... I am happy to answer questions on my time in Dr Who - just as long as this doesn't end up swamping my time... Presuming that anyone is actually still interested - please encourage the fans to contact me via you with any questions. I will happily answer them - later this week maybe... I will also take this opportunity to mention that site you mailed me:

The link is: http://modlounge.tripod.com/covers.html and it is a rather super collection of artwork done by a gentleman named James. It's rather good and would be interest to Whonatics (or whatever Who fans call themselves) and I shall be taking a great interest in any Yeti covers James ends up adding to the galleries.

Meanwhile fella - as you have taken to posting my words of wisdom - I have decided to repay your promotional favour and am including one of your compositions here, today... It seemed appropriate...

RUNNING DOWN CORRIDORS…

Running down corri-dors for a living!
It’s a tiring job! Poorly paid!
Once you’ve seen your umpteenth evil villain…
The whole experience becomes rather staid.

All day she spends -
Running down corridors -
And twisting her ankle to boot!
She screams by request at the monsters…
And ducks the attack if they shoot!
She’s the maid in distress -
When one’s needed…
She’s the girl of his dreams -
On the screen…
But if she needs him -
To do something manly…
Then he’s nowhere -
Around to be seen!

All week she spends -
Running down corridors -
And tripping down steps in a fuss!
All the other leading ladies -
Have Chauffeurs!
Whilst she still has to get on the bus…
What’s worse -
It is hard acting frightened -
Of creatures which swiftly pursue…
When you’ve seen them there all out of costume!
In the canteen lined up in the queue!

All the year she spends -
Running down corridors -
And screaming a bit for a laugh!
Gets just 20 minutes for dinner -
Down the pub - only time for a half!
One day she’ll keep running so quickly -
That perhaps she won’t need to come back!
The monsters will have no one to follow…
The corridors her cries they will lack!

She runs down echoing corridors daily…
And she hates it! She just cannot lie!
The day that she lo-cates the exit…
Is the day that she says her goodbye!

For further poems see www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.com Copyright Beeches 2003.

There! What a creative morning we have had so far... James' art, your vaguely witty ditties and my rambling rambling's...

Time for one more link before I tell you about my weekend? Another Yeti-related site...

http://www.nationalgeographic.com/adventure/0005/q_n_a.html

This is quite an amusing article. The poor fella who is interviewed had been trekking all over the Himalayas and never thought to dig out a London telephone directory. I mean - I'm listed and everything... Under Y - strangely enough. He should have just contacted Equity!

The piece does mention a more accurate height for us furry critters (2 metres plus - which is about right - cos we're all pretty tall fellas!) but of course, as usual, the writer takes a dig at our "whistling..." It claims that this is a sign that we are becoming dangerous... I don't see how wandering along whistling the tune off the Hovis ad constitutes as us being dangerous. Still - this explorer claims that we are "big and strong" which is kinda cute of him (the charmer!)

In addition to this The Yeti is able to "kill a yak with one fist..." he claims. Yeah - sure - but only after A LOT OF ALCOHOL!!!! (And we would only EVER kill a horrid Yak - not a nice one...) The trouble is Yak's (notoriously) tend to go for the same women as Yeti's do... Not that this exactly bothers me, I have to be honest... There is also some rather peculiar ramblings about the Yeti being the "Missing Link" of the Aryan race and Hitler sending a scientist off to track one down... You don't see that many blonde haired, blue eyed Yeti I must say - we do all rather tend to be a muddy brown colour, alas... Some of the scientists out there also seem to think that the Yeti is a bear... Tell that to Winnie the Pooh!

So... ENOUGH! These posting are getting longer and longer everytime... What have I been up to since Friday morning... (Can I remember??)

Friday...

Friday afternoon I was whisked off to a rather unexpected gig - a dinner being held at Blenheim Palace. (With a quick cream tea in Bourton On The Water first, of course.) I was doing a favour for an old friend of mine, Clive, who was actually the entertainment at the dinner party. (Nothing unseemly! My pole dancing days are long gone...) He and 2 other Yetis have an act called Furamarama (check them out!) and do a shockingly convincing tribute act in drag, which the Bananas apparently approve highly... They cover all the old favourites, "Love In The First Degree...", "Cruel Summer," "Robert De Nero, "Only Your Love" etc. - with a sort of furry "twist" to it... Only trouble was - one of the group, Karl, had been infested with fleas after stumbling drunkenly into a flea market the night before - and in the end I had to join the boys on stage... (I was the blonde one, should anyone be interested...) Anyway - it all went rather well and I made myself a few extra quid - as well as a bit of reputation! lol!

Saturday...

Having recovered from jigging around on stage all night I had to be up early the next morning to meet Fee... Very nice lady... The quickest way to describe her is probably as a sort of flame-haired, buck-toothed Ruth Madoc - accent and all... I think she's marvellous! We went and had a meal, but she looked very red and very tired from having had to stand on the train all the way down. Sure enough she had brought her carpet and was a bit concerned about some chocolatey fingers marks she'd located on it since disembarking... She was much shyer than in her letters and kept assuring me that she'd be very neat and tidy and that she'd not make any mess and wouldn't inconvinience me for very long... I tried to get her to tell me a little more about the accident and how she'd ended up being made homeless, but she just blushed even redder and mumbled, "Fire... Terrible mistake... Not ready... Really shouldn't have happened..." which was all rather vague and made no sense to me whatsoever... Back at the flat she scurried off into her new bedroom like a mother mouse trying out a new nest and after that I really didn't see much of her... Bit weirder than I was imagining, bless 'er - but lovely enough all the same... :-)

Sunday...

I was a bit worried about Fee on Sunday though, I must admit... She sort of slept all day... I was just doing bits and pieces around the flat - musing over whether I should shave my fur any shorter before Monday... I was kinda of thinking that Fee and I would be going out somewhere for sunday lunch - but come 2pm she was still fast asleep on her carpet... In the end I made a chip butty - decided I wasn't going to shave - checked that my stalker wasn't about and breathed a sigh of relief when "she" wasn't... In the end I went out in the garden to sweep up the dead leaves falling from our next door neighbour'ss Horse Chestnut tree into our communal flower bed. Spent most of the rest of the afternoon out there enjoying the autumnal sun - ended up tidying up and having a bonfire... It was at about this point that I'm sure I spotted Fee peeping out from behind the curtains of her bedroom. But when I called up to her there was no reply. A little later I returned to the flat and started pottering about making tea... I knocked on Fee's door - only to discover that she had popped out... Her bedroom was like a sauna and quite unpleasant so I went to turn down the heating, only to find it was on low...

I really must get someone over to see to that... Infact I rung around this morning... Don't want Fee passing out on me or cooked to a crisp due to faulty heating systems!! She was home by 7 and said she'd been out for a walk - although she didn't say where to... We watched telly for about and hour but she was turning in for the night by nine... She really DOES need her sleep, that one!

As for today... Well today I'm very busy as you know... Couple of bits and pieces to sort out before heading off to Greenwich for the Kylie shoot... Fee has gone out and once again my stalker seems to have given up... (What a lack of commitment!) :-) I have nattered enough... I shall report back about the filming, tomorrow... Quite naturally I am incredibly excited... I had a phone call this morning - I missed it cos I was untangling my fur in the bathroom...

The caller left a message...

"HELLO MY LOVER... YOU GORGEOUS YETI YOU..." said the voice, "IT'S ME - KYLIE... JUST WANT TO SAY I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING YOU TODAY... BYE DARLIN'..."

OH! MY! GOD! The accent was slightly gruffer and more Somerset-tinged than I had expected but it was definitely her... I had to go and lie down... I think I'm in love... :-)

Happy Thoughts, fella...

Cyas.

Yeti xx

Simon Yeti posts again soon... WATCH THIS SPACE...

SHOULD ANYONE HAVE ANY QUESTIONS FOR SIMON YETI ON HIS TIME ON TELLY DURING THE 60s THEN PLEASE MAIL ME AND THE BEST QUESTIONS WILL BE POSED TO MR YETI LATER THIS WEEK...

2003-10-17T09:33:00.000+01:00

Hi ya!

Further Down This Page : What Happened When Simon Met Kylie...

SIMON YETI'S REVIEW OF THE WEEK...

Quote of the day:

No more, No more, I'm through with it, Not having it, This crazy sh*t, Not feeling it, Can't deal with it, No more, I quit...

Sugababes: Hole In The Head.

Simon Yeti has been mostly spending his hard earned pennies and then vogueing furiously to...

Maybe. Emma Bunton, single - unless she wants to adopt me...
Mixed Up World. Sophie Ellis Bextor, single. How is ur mum? Does she still see the Nimon? Haven't heard from him in ages...
Hole In The Head. Sugababes, single. Please don't beat me up ladies - don't they look dead tough!?!,
Bad Day. REM, single. Sounds like The End Of The World As We Know It, but I like it more, oddly enough...
Fools / Solid. Rachel Stevens, album tracks. Dancey, dancey, dancey!
Are You Gonna Be My Girl? Jet, album / various tracks... Hark at the overdubs! FANTASTIC!!
Life For Rent. Dido, album. Niceness done very nicely. Yay!
Belle and Sebastian... My copy of the album still hasn't turned up... **Cries hysterically...**

Simon's Telly Of The Week...: Simon saw NO good telly this week! (AGAIN!) Other than a clip on TOTP2 from 1980 where he spotted himself in the crowd dressed a bit like Adam Ant. It was actually Adam himself singing "Dog Eat Dog..." "Adam always used to copy my fashion tips... Lovely guy though... It was me who introduced him to Diana Dors..."

Useless fact of the day:

Did you know...

"...Washington State in the USA has laws against hunting the Sasquatch (Yeti) with guns..."

What is more...

"Sakten Wildlife Sanctuary was set up as the exclusive habitat of the Mirgo (Yeti). This 650 sq km (253 sq mi) sanctuary, in eastern Bhutan, is unique as the only reserve in the world created specifically to protect the habitat of the yeti, known in Bhutan as the migoi (strong man). The migoi differs from yetis found (or not) in other Himalayan regions. Its body is covered in hair that may be anything from reddish-brown to black, but it's face is hairless. It smells pretty bad apparently and has the power to become invisible, which explains why so few people have seen it. Another feature which helps the elusive, hairy fella escape detection is that many have their feet backwards confusing possible trackers. "

The thing about not hunting Sasquatch is cool, of course... Guns and Yetis SO don't go... Alright!?! The stuff about Yetis being smelly (AGAIN!!!), on the other hand is not so great - and I won't even comment on the idea that we have our feet on backwards... But let's just say I would not have gotten down to the final audition for Saturday Night Fever if I'd had my feet on the wrong way around!! Am I making my point!?!

Anyway... More important news!!! I've done it! I've met Kylie...

Well... I THINK I met Kylie...

Oh! It's a bit of a long story... I shall start at the beginning...

Last time I wrote I'd just received Will's text about shaving my fur... I DID think about it, initially... I must say the idea didn't really appeal! I mean - what is a Yeti without it's fur!?! I once had to be sheared because I fell into a vat of chewing gum and the only way to get free of the stuff was to have all my fur removed. It grew back okay - but I looked a proper sight for quite some weeks. People kept mistaking me for Bernard Manning. It was quite distasteful and I was totally devastated and egoless for a good ten minutes.

Whilst I was agonising over the whole shaving issue, I took a quick peek at some of my old photo albums...

(Check out the link below - this is me and some of the guys during the 60s in some rare shots from one of my missing Dr Who adventures...)

http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/doctorwho/photonovels/snowmen/screensaver/index.shtml

Nice ey!?! Very trendy I was in those days... I was a MOD. Big fan of The Small Faces and The Who and The Kinks. You know... I was young... I had my hair... Errr... I still do now but...

Anyway... Although, as you've seen I did have my trendier moments... I am first to admit I went through quite a few embarrassing stages and that, of course not ALL my looks were quite so successful... ie:

i. Punk Yeti (MASSSSSSSSIIIVVVVE Mohican!)

ii. Dreadlocked Yeti (WHAT a tangle!)

iii. Morrissey Yeti (Slicked Back Walking Quiff!!!)

iv. Mullet Yeti (NASTY! NASTY! NASTY!)

Although I fear it would currently be fashionable once more as I've been noticing an alarming Mullet resurgance of late... If they were still making Doomwatch on telly they should make an episode about Mullets and Mass Corporate Take-overs eroding the environment... Horrid things Mullets... When will you be getting rid of yours, fella... (Did you take the hint, yet!?)

So anyway - seeing all those photos made me think... Nah... So I just kind of "scaled down" my personal fur very lightly with a hedge trimmer and left it at that... I mean Kylie had only requested a shave - not a total absence of fluff... (SO unmanly...) If she wants me smooth like a baby, I have decided, then she can employ a baby... I WON'T be dispensing with my rug for anyone - NOT EVEN KYLIE!!!

So, anyway - I think my whole attitude was a bit negative on leaving home - I was a bit full of myself and ready to storm out or demonstrate my excellent knowledge of all the dance moves to "Hand On Your Heart...", "SHOCKED!" or "Where The Wild Roses Grow" if need be...

I was trundling down the Kings Road so fast - knocking people over in my hurry and getting seductive looks from poodles cos my fur had gone all bouffant - that I arrived at the studios a good 45 minutes earlier than I meant to. Went into a cafe - got strange looks from the guy behind the counter who I had to stop ringing London zoo... "You escaped did ya?" he asked me - and I had to explain that - no - I was not an member of that particular institution but that I was on my way to appear in a Kylie Minogue video. He looked at me even more oddly and forgot to charge me for my chocolate doughnut. Which was good. (Except I lost half of the choccie icing in fluff and a small child dashed after it and then refused to come out...

What with that and being chatted up by a cute Irish taxidermist who thought I'd look good in his shop - WHAT A MORNING!!!! Still - I took his number, so that's nice... Maybe I'll pop around and "Get Stuffed" at some point... One never knows when number things like this will come in useful... For when Draconians turn up at your door trying to sell you insurance, for instance...

Now I mentioned that I THINK I met Kylie... Well the trouble was - there were loads of fans and loads of extras there at the studio and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM was dressed like her and it was SO terribly busy and in my hurry I'd forgotten to put my Contact lens in... I kept waving and smiling and any Kylie look-a-like that passed me by, but at least two of those were blokes in drag. Anyway - all that matters is that I'VE GOT THE JOB!!! :-) We did some initial test shots of me ambling along a tunnel sexily - being chased by loads of Kylies... It's quite a clever concept actually... Loads of Kylie's chasing monsters down corridors in a sort of role reversal stylee thing.... There were a few other of us beasties there; King Kong who is shorter than he appears in the films, Frankenstein's Monster who is not half as butch as I was expecting...

To be honest I was a little cross cos I was expecting to get to do a kissing scene... They'd inferred that I was going to be leading man... Or maybe I had just misunderstood. The Make-up artistes kept trying to dab cosmetics all over me and that started me off sneezing - and I can tell you - Yeti snot is not nice stuff... Then someone split coffee all over me - infact several people split things in me and I've spent the last half hour picking bits of sandwich outta my many furry recesses... Anyway - in the end the director came back and told me that filming was over for the day and he gave me a schedule for Monday - which is apparently when Kylie and I do our bits together.... We're filming in Greenwich Foot Tunnel! How odd is that! I filmed for Who there back in '68... I suspect it's all a deliberate nod back to that... I'm a little concerned about the nostalgia thing again - hope it doesn't effect my chances of auditioning for the new series...

By the way fella - received the application forms that the BBC forwarded to you - but there are only applications for Monsters - I was also hoping to audition for the Doctor's role too - so please get back to them won't you... Oh - and I can't do Parky now on the 15th - I've been invited to the States to a Sci-fi Convention and they're offering more money. I said I'd do it cos Michael Sheard is going and I ALWAYS go to conventions if he's going cos he's ever so lovely and nice and ALWAYS buys the first round.

Also... Tell Parky it'll have to be late November if he wants me on the show now... Maybe around the time of the anniversary... (You know about the anniversary, right... 40 years of Who... Still not heard back from the Panopticon guys - apparently they asked Leo, one of the other Yetis to go as a guest and now they won't be wanting me! You've got to sort this out - I'm doing your bloody job for you, half of the time, lately!)

So anyway... Back with Kylie... So overall things picked up today since arriving at the studio... (Compared to the rest of the day so far...). Got the job (GOOD SHOW), quite possibly met the REAL Kylie amongst all the fake ones... (Shame not to be certain - but cool just the same...) On the way back to the dressing rooms I said hi to Will, but Kylie had been whisked off to some grand opening by then so didn't see her then either...

Well, after all that I accidentally wandered onto the set of an advert and nearly got cast as the new Dulux dog... Got my fur even frizzier on the way through that studio cos they had a wind tunnel thing blowing which disorientated me and I stumbled into the ladie's dressing room... I didn't actually realise until all the Fake Kylie's showed up to get changed. I had to hide under some coats with my eyes closed until they were finished... Trouble is once they were dressed they picked up their coats and then I had to pretend I was part of the furniture too. Still it cheered me up when I heard one of the girls say, "Wasn't that hat-stand just FABULOUS! Madonna would kill for one of those..."

Hey - if Madonna wants me I'm up for the gig... Hand stand or not... That would be just a dream - sod the acting career - Madonna's personal hat stand is the job for me! :-)

I've been home about an hour - popping up to have a meal with Mrs Mara in a bit - going to ask her advice about whether I should change my hairstyle before Monday's shoot... Need people to notice me...

...

Sorry... Phone call...

It was Fee - just checking that everything went fine today... I expect I'll be too drunk and hiccupy in the morning to mail anything too much - and then Fee arrives saturday - I do hope we get on... Not sure what she'll be up to whilst I'm working... Anyway... May well not post much until Monday morning... It's an evening shoot so I'll definitely write something before that... So have a good weekend and don't whine if I don't get to phone ya...

Oh... Which remind me... I need to pop out for a bottle of White... Just looked out the bedroom window though... I think I may have just bagged myself a stalker... There's a woman looking suspiciously like Kylie Minogue standing outside the flat pining up at me... Somehow I guess it's not the REAL Kylie cos she appears to be sporting a handlebar moustache and hence looks a tad masculine. I think maybe I'll leave going out for wine...

Happy Thoughts...

Cyas.

Yeti xx

PS Sorry... Wrote this before I went to see Mrs Mara but never posted it... It's Friday morning now and I've only just woken up. Mrs M has forbidden me to alter my hair style incase it messes around with continuity... We had a lovely night and got drunk on oven cleaner... Mmmm. Nice... Couldn't go an get wine cos of my stalker - we were both too scared... She appears to have gone now - I'll set Fee on her if she shows up again... Have a great weekend!!!

Simon Yeti posts again soon... WATCH THIS SPACE...

2003-10-16T10:56:00.000+01:00

Hi Fella!

Gotta be a quick one - I am just so darn panicked... I've bearly slept a wink... I'm going to look so blumin' rank when I meet She Who Must Be Adored (that'll be Kylie then!) I've been flossing since about 8 O'clock and just emerged from my third cold shower... I keep thinking about how jealous of her I was in that Agent Provocateur promo! Why can't I look that sexy - it's just SO not fair... I just don't have the appropriate bone structure, I suppose. Afterall - how good would she be at being furry, growling and looking menacing on Subways... It's not only the worry of our meeting though... It's just been one thing after another - but finally I think I'm ready... Two hours to Doomsday Kylie Meet... Which sounds terribly sinister and Underworld Plot-ish - but really isn't meant to!!!

So what has happened since I last wrote??? Well...

...Fenric blew up my boiler and I had to get nice Mrs Mara from upstairs to call her estranged husband to come over and fix it. This was at about 3am. SIGH! I reckon Fenric got singed. Haven't seen "him" since... Hopefully he's gone off to bother somebody else! Good riddance I say... If the boiler didn't get him then Fee would have!Still, the whole brief experience will teach me not to go delving around in shady Car Boot Sales trying to find missing episodes of old television serials. Total panic it was... I nearly fell over my big yeti feet several times. Most clumsy of me. Couldn't get to sleep after all that and I still look a little sooty (not a Little Sooty... I more resemble a giant overgrown Sweep, if anything!) Most difficult trying to get soot out of ones fur!

Mentioning her just reminded me... I received a lovely long email last night from Fee. Well, she still needs a place to stay - so I'm her Yeti... She sent me her arrival times of her arrival and stuff... I hope she's easy to get rid of... I was worried because my spare bed is a little bit wonky after I got a little enthusiastic dancing to S Club and leonard Cohen records, whilst cleaning some while back. Anyhow - Fee claims that she prefers to sleeps on bare boards with only a rug or carpet or something under her - which quite honestly sounds a little painful and a trifle odd altogether... Still - never mind... Anyway - Fee and her Carpet are arriving on saturday at about eleven - so I'll be heading over to Euston to pick her up...

Oh, and she sent me a link to the following article...

http://www.bootan.com/articles/yeti.htm

It's all about yetis / Ab******le Snowmen... Quite interesting - except it's all a bunch of bollocks, basically...

"...There are three distinct types of Snowmen: a large fairly docile one; a savage carnivorous beast about five feet tall long-haired, ape-like and of muscular build; and a "little man" shy and shaggy. The Snowman that has won popular recognition as the Yeti is the savage ape-man that leaves its footprints high above the snow line, at altitudes ranging from 15,000 to 25,000 feet."

Except of course they've got it totally wrong. Of course there are Yeti variations - which one day I may well help break down for you... The ones in the previous list aren't any of the variations I am personally aware of... Infact, if you'll bear with me I'll add my corrections...

1. A large fairly docile one...

Docile!?! I have never met a docile Yeti - not even the older ones! All Yeti are VERY MUCH Party Animals. We don't need much sleep for a start - except for the night before we have large and terribly important/exciting meetings with superstar godesses...

2. A savage carnivorous beast about five feet tall long-haired, ape-like and of muscular build...

Carnivorous!?! Savage!?! Well - I do like a little meat from time to time, I'll admit... But Savage! NOOOOOOO! I own an album by the Eurythmics with that title - but that's as far as it goes... I have never met a Yeti who I would describe as Savage - not even after alcohol. Most of us just kinda go purrry and sweet and funny when drunk... As for FIVE FOOT TALL! I don't think so... Darling Kylie is taller than that and she's only a pop icon. I mean come on - do you think any of us would EVER have been hired for telly if we were dwarfes - we'd have been shorter than Patrick Troughton and Frazer Hines and even Miss Watling would have been towering over us. Almost. How very poor... Let me tell you - you will NOT see a Yeti shorter than 6 foot... Oh - other than my mate Derek - but then he is just a short-arse. You already know my opinion of the "ape-like" description - but muscular is about right... Muscular - and pretty darn sexy... WOOF!

3. A "little man" shy and shaggy...

Yeah... Right... Like Jeremy Beadle or something... Sorry... No... Not at all... They're thinking of Wombles... Must have spotted that lot on a skiing holiday or something and thought they'd seen a whole bunch of Yeti. Fools.

...There is, of course - one other type of Yeti... My sort...

4. Tall, Dark, Handsome, Furry (of course!!!), Fabulous actor, Friend to Kylie, Would love to be J-lo (only so he could meet Ben Affleck...) Ummm... Great at shopping and dancing and with a very good sense of humour... Or some of those... Well, I'm tall at least!!! And furry! GRRRRRR! :-) Hey - don't mock - it's a start...

I really ought to get my lawyers onto the next piece of the article. I mean, what if potential employees see this...

"Characteristics common to all the varieties of Snowmen are a strong pungent odor and a high whistling call..."

STRONG, PUNGENT ODOR! Good Lord!!! They're basically saying we don't ever wash... I smell as sweet as a daisy... I bath EVERYDAY! It takes me nearly two hours to dry myself off!!! What a bastard cheek... HIGH WHISTLING CALL!!!!! That's called singing... We Yeti LOVE to sing... And we do so mightily well and IN TUNE!!!! HIGH WHISTLING CALL MY FOOT... My brother Eric did Eurovision in '72 AND he came 3rd!!!

Sorry... Got myself a bit wound up about it all, there... But it makes me SPIT - it really does... Yeti's are lovely... All Yeti... We were only ever acting BAD on telly... In real life we're all furry and charming and dreadfully, dreadfully huggable... (Like just about the huggiest thing EVER!) ...Unlike those moody gits the Sontarans who'd sooner painfully poison their Mother's than visit them at Christmas... Blumin' Mr Tato Heads...

Not entirely sure WHY Fee sent me the link to that article - she must have realised it was bound to get me all worked up... Still, she was showing an interest I suppose. Infact, she did also highlight the following sentence :

"Reflecting the beliefs of the Bhutanese, and based on ancient drawings and paintings, the Post and Telegraph department have issued the commemorative Snowmen postage stamps in five designs over fifteen denominations."

Which is all very nice and kinda quaint - but doesn't forgive the previous inaccuracies... Still - I may try and get hold of a coupla sets of them stamps...

Dammit... It's getting late... I've got to get myself ready... Write more later...

HELLS TEETH!!!! BUGGER IT!!! Just received a text from Kylie's P.A. fella...

HI SIMON! WILL HERE... KYLIE IS LOOKING FORWARD TO MEETING YOU LATER... ANY CHANCE YOU COULD GRAB A SHAVE BEFORE THE MEETING??? THANKS LOVE! Xx

ME!?!?! SHAVE!!!!! HOW MUCH EXACTLY... THIS IS MADNESS!!!! SHEER MADNESS I TELL YOU... WAIT TIL I SPEAK TO MY MANAGER... OH - THAT'S YOU ISN'T IT...

*** Post ends without usual farewell...

Simon Yeti posts again soon... WATCH THIS SPACE...

2003-10-15T09:44:00.000+01:00

Hi Fella!

Thank you for the offer of appearing on Michael Parkinson's show on the 15th of next month. I would very much like to be there as a jazz singing lady pal of mine is also booked on the same show. However I fear that Michael may well focus on the more nostalgia elements of my career - and as you know I would rather emphasize the NOW-ness of my work. Could you get back to his people and mention the Kylie link and try and get a more definite idea of what sort of questions he'd be posing...

Oooh! Whilst I think of it... I wish I'd never bought that dratted lamp thing... I rubbed it and it did contain a spirit of sorts - but nothing very pleasant or career benefitting... :-( The "genie" (if you can describe him thus), is some miserable sod called Fenric, who keeps bothering me to play chess with it and refuses to go back in the lamp. Instead it prefers to float aimlessly around the living room, moping and getting in the way when I try to do the hoovering... (I did try to hoover it up - but it just sat there inside the Dyson moaning and then leaked out again making a rather unbecoming farting noise...)

"Aren't you supposed to grant me three wishes..." I demanded of it but it just went into a huff and sulked in the corner - where I presume it still is... Damn thing - I'd hoped I could get it to grant me a wish to bring back the lost episodes of my missing appearances in Doc Who... But I'm afraid that doesn't look too promising just at the moment...

Oh - and I found another article on the net last night... This is much more recent - but they're looking in quite the wrong places... Most of the Nepalese Yetis moved to the Kings Road decades ago... Still - these things are always worth a read!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/3141929.stm

"EXPEDITION HUNTS HIMALAYAN YETI... :

A Japanese expedition is to spend six weeks scouring the Nepalese Himalayas using infrared cameras in search of the legendary Yeti.

Hmmm. Don't like the use of the word "HUNT" - but "LEGENDARY" is damn right!!! :-) Bless. Later on in the article they describe us as "MYSTERIOUS" which I like too! Though the phrase "APE-LIKE" doesn't impress me at all! :-( Since when did any Yeti bear even the slightest resemblance to Guy The Gorilla. Not me, fella!

Anyway - where was I? Parky, Fenric, Yeti Hunters... KYLIE!

Of course... It's tomorrow! SCAREEEEEEEE! I can't wait... Promise to let you know EXACTLY how it went though I dunno if I'll get to mail you BEFORE or not until AFTER the event... Popped out last night with her right-hand P.A. fella, William - that was nice, but a gang of those Auton people turned up and were being rather rowdy and scaring the ladies with their limp wrists. (Showing off because their Who stories still exist and someone made a spin-off or two about them! Yawn!!! There was a Yeti spin-off but I didn't demean myself by appearing... And whatsmore they never asked me...) They're so anti-social some of these lesser Who villains and it did rather spoilt the mood. One of them split a pint all over my fur... I can tell you... I was NOT pleased and did a bit of growling just to show them who's boss! They laughed at me - but I think, deep down - they got the message...

Still - apparently Kylie is very keen for me to be in this new video of hers and Will pretty much gave me the thumbs up that the audition thing tomorrow is more a run-through for the big filming date itself (hence I have already GOT the job). If so, filming is next monday - less than a week away! How fab is that...

On a less jolly note, before I go... Two sadnesses that have caught up with me... You might remember that the ghost of Shep (the dog off Blue Peter) haunted the house two doors down from my flat. Noakesey used to lodge there when he was working, back in the 70s and - well - anyway... Ever since the dog died it's sort of been the resident local pet... Especially amongst us more weird and wonderful types... Anyway - we just learnt this morning that a dratted High Priest or something has moved into area and has only gone and exorcised the poor hound. We're all a bit whimpery about it at the moment. It was bad enough when he died - but this is far more permanent... Anyway... I had to have a big Yeti-sized G & T just to gee myself up...

The second piece of bad news I received concerns my pen pal, Fee who has been taken poorly with "Stress Issues", I believe... Anyway - much against my better judgement I've invited her to stay next week! Apparently there was a fire in her flat and she's having to stay in a hotel and - oh - I felt pressurised into offering her a helping hand and a place to stay... I do hope she'll be okay - we've never met but have been writing to each other for years... (We have a mutual interest in knitting patterns of the 1950s and 60s...)

Anyway, I promise not to let her visit get in the way of any auditions, fella... Bit worried what with Fernic skulking around - but Fee has worked in Nursery Schools so she knows how to deal with sulky, moany little bastards such as he... Not a problem!

So - busy - busy - busy... Get back to me matey if anything good shows up... Phone will be on - but Ill be with Kylie as of Noon tomorrow...

Keep smiling fella...

Cyas.

Simon Yeti xx

Simon Yeti posts again soon... WATCH THIS SPACE...

2003-10-14T09:58:00.000+01:00

Fella!

How's you? :-)

I was trawling the net the other night... How stupid are journalists!!! I know it's a bit of an old article now, but check it out - it was on the BBC news site: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/in_depth/15130.stm Then again after my own experience of BBC incompetance (tape erasing - lost televisual gems - don't even get me started on it...) why should it surprise me so!! Anyway - just incase the link doesn't work the headline reads: YETI EXISTS - OFFICIAL...

"Scientists searching for the legendary yeti have agreed that the mythical creature does, after all, exist. They reached their decision at the end of a two-day conference in Moscow devoted to the abominable snowman..."

I HATE that - "Abominable" - it's so rude! I told the BBC that back in '67 but they wouldn't change the title of the story... Why the personal attack - next we'll end up with DR WHO AND THE SLIGHTY PORKY SILURIANS or DR WHO AND THE MUMMY'S BOY MANDRELS or something. Except that we didn't - it was only us Yeti that they decided to be rude about... Sorry - it JUST annoys me...

"The meeting was timed to mark the anniversary of some celebrated, but controversial film footage, supposedly showing a female Yeti, shot in California 30 years ago."

Yeah - that was my cousin, Sue... Bloody voyeurs. She never lived that down - the footage turned up on some sort of You've Been Framed type of programme - JUST cos she dripped over her feet in that new kaftan of hers. She became positively repressed and has hidden herself away from dawn til dusk, ever since!

"The participants were in agreement that the film was genuine and that the yeti exists."

Errr - like - yeah... No shit, Sherlock! Wasn't that obvious!! I mean - do none of them EVER watch television. What the heck did they think WE were when we showed up on telly back in the 60s. Probably just thought we were large fluffy bears or long haired, overgrown possums.

Trouble is - these journalists - they're all whippersnappers - don't remember that far back. The Wombles get the same problem of course - and Fingermouse is still in rehab. Whatsmore, Tarka the Otter has never gotten over his decision to move up to Loch Ness - blames the move for letting himself go and putting on weight... Now everyone keeps mistaking him for YOU KNOW WHO!! The press just never stop hounding him! My friend, Ethel The Haggis is of course very lucky - she has the reverse really - everyone just thinks she's a bag of mince and so no-one goes out there to actually try and catch the real thing any more. Still, it's a tough life for some of them. Of course some of us bounce back...

3 days til the Kylie screen test thing! Yay! ;-) Had a drink with her last night and she assured me I'd get the part no problem. Awww... Actually - that's not strictly true - I DREAMT I had a drink with her last night and she assured me I'd get the part... But the two are obviously related. It's a sign, right!?!

Oh - and as for the Car Boot Sale - I found some tapes labelled WICKER MAN - RAW FOOTAGE and got all excited - but got home to find that someone had recorded old Hi-De-Hi episodes over it... :-( Chris Lee wasn't best pleased. I had to talk him down from a Multi-storey carpark in Battersea. Thank goodness I picked up another bargain or I'd have been terribly disappointed. My other purchase was a small lamp - I'm hoping it's a magic one and will bring me good luck with all the auditions - I'll be having a good rub tonight - and will have a go at the lamp at the same time...

Any luck with any of your contacts? Thanks for the application for Panto auditions - but I don't think I'm really Mother Goose material. Especially not in Swindon! I don't do Commuter towns darling - you know that. I'm convinced you've got better roles hidden up your sleeve somewhere... Or should that be rolls... haha. (Cheese n pickle please!) Ahem.

Anyway...

Cyas,

Yeti xx

Simon Yeti posts again soon... WATCH THIS SPACE...

2003-10-13T10:17:00.000+01:00

Fella!

How are you doing?

Was wondering if any jobs had come along as yet - being that you are my manger and are supposed to be sorting my life out for me... I'm happy to take any work really... Just been a little down lately - I heard they're bringing back Dr Who and they've not asked me to come back into the fold. It's all very well if you're a Cyberman or a Dalek - they always get work - but I've been snubbed since the 60s on that show - and why? They're fools!

Us yeti guys made history! We were what people loved about telly in the 60s - we were being mobbed - there were a few weeks in July 1968 when we were honestly bigger than the Beatles. Course the bastards only went and wiped BOTH the bloody stories. So, other than doing a paw cameo back in '83 it's as if we were never there.

I know it's a long shot - but I want you to do it anyway - they've still not cast the new Doctor. I know I've been in the show before - but with a bit of an image change - a bit of back combing of the old fur and - well - I think I could do it. Yesterday I was mistaken for Brian Blessed in the queue in Sainsburys - which is also something. I know Brian's up for the part and I certainly don't mind people thinking I'm him - not at all - it's a flattering comparison and better than being mistaken for Gentle Ben.

Sorry, rant over - you know all this. Just got a little fired up again talking to my mate Charles the other night - he was in Star Wars - in one of those bar scenes - got his head chopped off. Do you know they never had medical insurance? It took him 18 years to grow a new head back, properly.

Anyway - is there any work going? I know you said Eastenders were looking for a guy to play a bouncer - but I'm tired of bouncer roles mate - I've played bouncers in every two bit telly programme since 1975. It's all background stuff - I need lead man parts! I'm still a young furball. Us yetis don't age like other monsters. Have you seen "Jabba" (the Hut) recently? A mess!!! He looks ancient and he's not even 50. I don't mean to sound bitchy but... well.. I still look good, is all I'm saying.

So if you find anything a bit more taxing for me you'll let me know, right?

Cheers.

Oh, and just before you moan at me - I have been auditioning. I up for a screen test on thursday. It's for a Kylie pop promo, not Slow - the new single - but the next single after that. I'm not sure what it's called - anyway it's all linked in with the Body Language Tour. If all goes well I may well be appearing in her next video as the love interest! How good is that? Oh - and The Super Furry Animals sent back my spare furs that they used in their last vid, kebab stains on one of them and what looks like vomit on another. Still... No need to send in the heavies. Six months they kept those damn spares - I was beginning to reek a little.

Anyway - off to a car boot sale now... Got my eye on a bargain - and maybe see if there's any lost episodes of Dads Army knocking about. Sell 'em back to the Beeb for a couple of pints and bag of chips. Thought I'd made a find last week - dug up a batch of old tapes down at the skip - thought it was a couple of Hancock's but it was just a 1972 Playaway. Dammit! One day I'll turn up a reel with one of my missing episodes on - that'll show the bloody Ice Warriors who's boss. Personally I think they were in league with the scum that wiped the masters in the first place - funny isn't it how all but 2 of their episodes remain in tact. Never trusted them - scaly twats.

Get back to me matey... Cyas.

Simon Yeti xx

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